I believe that parenting is a lifelong journey of learning, and being a stepparent is no exception. As I approach the 8-year milestone of being a stepmom, I thought I would share some of my experiences. The most important thing to recognize is that the co-parenting and step-parenting experience isn't linear. It isn't terrible and then magically gets better. There are good days and bad days. There can even be good years and bad years.
TOUGH BEGINNINGS
I love my stepson. He is great and our relationship is wonderful. Has stepparenting and co-parenting been an easy road...no. It is one of the most challenging roles I have ever held. Stepparents don't get to grow into parenthood like most. I became a stepparent under a critical magnifying glass. There is no shortage of criticism and expectations of step-parents and my experience was no different. I nearly exhausted myself trying to make others comfortable with my presence when I should have focused on developing my authentic parenting role.
DECIDING WHAT TYPE OF PARENT I WANTED TO BE
I approached my role as a step-parent cautiously. I wasn't sure what I wanted from the role, what my husband wanted from me in that role, and what my stepson would need from me. My stepson was 2 when my husband and I moved in together. It's comical now when I think back about the unrealistic expectations and conversations that WE had about my role. We both agreed that I would simply be an extra set of hands. That he would primarily do the parenting and co-parenting with our son's other parent. Well, that lasted about a week. That's the funny thing about life. The best-laid plans don't always work out. I wish I had taken more time to consider what role I wanted and I wish I would have been less accommodating because some of the considerations we made for others were ridiculous and didn't benefit our child or the long-term co-parenting relationship.
BOUNDARIES
Almost right away, my stepson came to me for EVERYTHING. He liked the way I read books. He liked the way I ran his bath, the way I played with him, the way I made snacks, helped with his pyjamas, kissed cuts...everything. My husband did his best to run interference but I think at that time we were both so happy that his son was comfortable and happy having me in the home, that we let it continue. So yes, I ended up doing way more than expected. I wish I had spoken up more and allowed myself the freedom to change my mind and alter course if I needed.
THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS
On top of the parental responsibilities that I was suddenly a part of, we were also dealing with a significant amount of conflict and stress from outside the home. Unfortunately, my husband and his previous partner were unable to agree to a custody schedule. In fact, there wasn't a lot they were able to agree on. There were a number of unresolved issues between them from their relationship that had nothing to do with me, but were now coming up daily in angry phone calls or accusatory texts. Some of which I was being blamed for. The one regret I have for this time is that my partner and I did not set boundaries when bad behaviour began. I let a lot of really inappropriate behaviour go because I wanted peace. In hindsight, by not saying anything a precedent was set which would later hurt my stepson and sent a very mixed message about how to treat others.
THE STRESS OF IT ALL
As anyone who has gone through the legal system to determine custody knows, there are extreme emotional and financial stresses that can occur when you take the legal route. It was incredibly difficult watching my partner, an incredible parent and person, have to advocate for his child's need to spend time with both parents. It is still heartbreaking and traumatic when I think about those years and what would have happened if my husband wasn't the incredible person he is. The one thing I am so proud of is that I reached out and got support early on. I found a wonderful counsellor, as did my husband. I truly believe that the work we did individually, and together, helped protect our relationship and allowed us to grow together and build a strong foundation.
THE GRIEF IS REAL
Step-parents who didn't have children of their own may understand this part best. When you fall in love with someone who has children, it is a completely different dating trajectory and life trajectory. I so desperately wanted to keep the two lives separate: when the kiddo was at our house we would be a family and when he wasn't in our home we would have this lovely dating/married single life. I think this is the part that realistically has changed the most over the years. Now our kiddo is 10 and it is very rare that we don't have phone calls, visits, coordination with the other home, events, etc. throughout the weeks that we have custody and the weeks we don't. After 8 years I've allowed myself to be ok with my limitations. I accept the fact that I am grieving not having met my husband 10 years earlier and what that life could have looked like, and that might never end. I am also okay with what life looks like these days. I honour both parts of me knowing that I don't have to choose.
YOUR FEELINGS MATTER
In the chaos of the needs of children and the needs of your relationship, it's possible to feel overlooked. I think this feeling translates to parents and stepparents. I wish I would have let myself sit in my feelings more. I wish I would have allowed myself to sit in optimism if we were having good days instead of sitting in worry for when the tides were changing. I wish I had allowed myself to sit in anger instead of pretending to be okay. I wish I would have allowed myself to feel all the feelings and not be embarrassed or fearful of what they would feel like or look like to others.
IT'S OK IF YOU DON'T LIKE BEING A STEP-PARENT
I do not like being a step-parent. I think it's a really difficult role. I think parenting is a difficult role. I think society is uncomfortable when we speak honestly about parenting challenges and I think when we speak up as a stepparent, we are afforded a very unrealistic response to the incredibly difficult positions we can be put in. I do my best to remind myself of the good and to focus on the things I can do. It's okay to be disappointed with your experience as a stepparent. Different stages and ages can be good and they can also be trying.
NOT ALL OF YOUR GOOD EFFORTS EQUATE TO GOOD THINGS
You can do all the right things and sometimes it may still not be "good enough" and that sucks. My advice now and forever is don't take criticism from anyone that you wouldn't take advice from. So find a healthy outlet and do your best to remain authentic to who you are. Focus on your relationships and the things you can influence and let the rest be background noise. Know yourself and know that is enough.
