A theme that I have seen time and time again across my sessions is this concept that clients often share with me, one that I believe many of us have had at some point in our lives: "Are my problems bad enough?" Whether you’re facing a personal crisis or simply struggling with the daily stressors of life, this question can creep into your mind and make you feel like you don’t deserve to feel upset or overwhelmed. Maybe you’ve even told yourself, “I shouldn’t complain, other people have it worse.” This line of thinking can make you question the legitimacy of your emotions and experiences, leading to feelings of guilt and shame about your struggles.
But what if I told you that this mindset, where you compare your struggles to others or diminish your own problems, is a form of gaslighting? It’s a way of invalidating your feelings, tricking yourself into believing your pain isn’t real or isn’t worthy of attention. It’s a harmful and self-destructive pattern that undermines your emotional well-being and prevents you from processing your feelings in a healthy way.
In this blog post, we’ll dive into the complexities of this thought pattern, explore how comparing your problems to others can lead to emotional invalidation, and examine why it’s crucial to validate your own emotions, regardless of whether or not you feel your struggles are “bad enough.”
The Gaslighting of Self-Doubt
Gaslighting, as a psychological term, refers to manipulating someone into doubting their own reality or perceptions. While we often associate gaslighting with toxic relationships, it’s important to recognize that it can also happen within our own minds. When we ask ourselves, “Are my problems bad enough?” we are, in essence, questioning the validity of our own feelings.
Think about it… when you tell yourself that your problems aren’t significant enough to deserve attention, you’re disregarding your emotions. You’re essentially telling yourself that you don’t have the right to feel upset, stressed, or anxious. Over time, this constant invalidation can erode your self-worth and lead to feelings of inadequacy or shame about your emotional experiences.
This kind of self-gaslighting can also make it harder to seek support when you need it. If you constantly minimize your struggles, you might avoid reaching out to friends, family, or professionals for fear that they’ll think your problems aren’t “bad enough” to warrant attention. As a result, you might feel isolated in your pain, which can further exacerbate your emotional distress.
The Problem with Comparing Your Struggles to Others
One of the most common ways we invalidate our own emotions is by comparing our struggles to those of others. The world is full of people who are going through difficult situations, whether it’s poverty, illness, loss, or other serious challenges, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because someone else has it “worse,” your own problems don’t deserve attention.
However, this way of thinking is deeply flawed. Every person’s experience is unique, and what might feel like a minor issue to someone else can be incredibly overwhelming for you. It’s also important to remember that the intensity of our feelings isn’t measured by the size or severity of the event that caused them. A breakup, a stressful work situation, or a mental health struggle can be just as emotionally taxing as any major life event, even if it seems less “important” on the surface.
Additionally, comparing your problems to others doesn’t take into account the full complexity of someone’s life. You might see someone else’s “perfect” life through their highlight reel on social media or in public, but you don’t know the full story. Everyone carries emotional baggage, even if it’s not immediately visible. Just because someone else is dealing with more visible or immediate hardships doesn’t mean that your pain is any less valid or worthy of attention.
Why Your Emotions Are Always ‘Bad Enough’
Your emotions are always “bad enough” because they are real and valid, regardless of the circumstances surrounding them. It doesn’t matter if someone else’s problems seem bigger or more urgent. If something makes you feel stressed, sad, or anxious, it’s important to honor those feelings. Emotions are signals, not to be ignored or dismissed, but to be acknowledged and understood. Every emotion we feel serves a purpose, it’s our mind and body’s way of communicating with us about our needs, boundaries, and experiences.
Think about it in terms of physical health: if you have a headache, you don’t tell yourself, “It’s just a headache—other people are dealing with chronic pain, so I’m probably being dramatic.” You would take care of yourself, drink water, rest, or perhaps take some medicine. Why should emotional pain be any different? Mental and emotional health are just as important as physical health, and our emotional pain deserves the same level of care and attention.
The Dangers of Minimizing Your Struggles
When you constantly minimize your struggles by asking, “Are my problems bad enough?” you may unintentionally make your emotional challenges worse. Emotional suppression (dismissing your feelings as unimportant) can prevent you from fully processing them, which can lead to unresolved emotions and long-term mental health issues. Over time, this suppression can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a sense of emotional numbness.
Moreover, minimizing your struggles can create a sense of disconnection from your own self. If you’re always telling yourself that your feelings aren’t worthy of attention, you may start to lose touch with your emotional needs altogether. This can make it harder to set boundaries, practice self-care, or advocate for yourself in relationships or at work.
The Power of Self-Validation
One of the most important steps toward emotional wellbeing is learning to validate your own feelings. Self-validation means acknowledging and accepting your emotions without judgment. Instead of minimizing or dismissing your feelings, you learn to sit with them, understand their source, and allow them to exist without shame or guilt.
Practicing self-validation is a powerful tool for emotional health. When you validate your own feelings, you give yourself permission to experience emotions without the need for external validation or comparison to others. You recognize that your emotional experiences are yours alone and are worthy of attention and care, regardless of how “bad” or “good” they seem in comparison to someone else’s life.
Here are some ways that I have suggested to my clients, that I will now suggest to you, about how you can practice self-validation:
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Instead of brushing off your feelings, take a moment to identify what you’re experiencing. Are you feeling sad, frustrated, anxious, or overwhelmed? Simply naming your emotions is the first step toward validating them.
Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing your struggles to others. Your feelings are valid in their own right, and comparing them to someone else’s only diminishes their importance.
Be Compassionate with Yourself: Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a friend. If your friend was going through something similar, you wouldn’t tell them their problems weren’t “bad enough”, rather you’d listen and offer support. Extend that same kindness to yourself.
Seek Support When Needed: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out for support. Talking to someone you trust or seeking professional help through talking to a therapist can provide a sense of relief and validation. All of our therapists at Nest Family Counselling are skilled, compassionate, and competent in being able to support this concern. Go to our website to book your free consultation or appointment today!
Set Boundaries: Honour your emotional needs by setting boundaries with people or situations that are contributing to your stress or anxiety. This is an important form of self-care that shows you value your emotional well-being.
At the end of the day, no problem is too small to matter. Ultimately, no one else can define the size or significance of your problems but you. Your emotional experiences are yours to navigate, and you have the right to feel what you feel, regardless of whether you think your struggles are “bad enough.” By learning to validate your emotions, practice self-compassion, and avoid comparison, you can break free from the cycle of self-doubt and begin to honour your feelings as legitimate and important.
It’s time to stop asking yourself if your problems are “bad enough.” Instead, ask yourself: How can I take care of myself right now? Whether your struggles feel big or small, your emotional health deserves to be nurtured. You are enough and your feelings matter, always.