I attended a girls night last week and a friend of mine showed up late, sweating from head to toe, with puffy eyes. She sat down and explained how her week had gone. A few members of her household had been sick, the fortunate ones that remained healthy were busy running from activity to activity. Balls were dropped, lunches were forgotten, and details were missed. My girlfriends and I scooped her up in a big hug; we have all been there. We started talking about why it feels like raising kids these days, and maintaining a household, is so overwhelming that some days it feels truly unmanageable. How did past generations do it?
I hear reflections of this sentiment in session with clients as well. Parents want to know why parenting is so difficult, why good time management feels unattainable, and how other parents are making it work.
I am a stepmom and we share parenting between two homes. Some people have told my husband and I that we are “lucky” to have “time off”. Let me just dispel that myth and say this: shared parenting comes with its own set of challenges, the greatest (I would argue) being that we don’t get to be part of our child’s life every day. There are unique emotional, financial and physical considerations in shared parenting. Parenting, regardless of the situation, is difficult, overwhelming and just plain hard some days.
The need for a village
When I talk to friends, or clients, about parenting I often ask about their support network. Who is in your village? Who shows up for you, your marriage, your children and your family? For some, their village is their biological family; parents, siblings, aunts and uncles. For others, it is a network of friends, or a physical community such as neighbors. Your village is whoever shows up for you. Regardless of where these wonderful supports come from, they make a huge difference in our lives, our children’s lives and the overall mental health of the family and community.
I moved 900 miles away from my village when I turned 30. I underestimated how important my support network was and I overestimated how easily it would be to replace them. When I became a stepmom, I instinctively knew that I needed to reach out and ask for help. I welcomed advice, I was open to friendship and I yearned for a nonjudgmental outlet to work through the mom guilt that came in waves.
I found my village in various places. I created authentic friendships in a stepmom support group. I started new hobbies and discovered people with similar interests. I literally sat on my porch with a glass of wine and worked up the courage to walk across the street and offer my neighbor a glass and a conversation.
Finding my village wasn’t a choice. It was a necessity. I believe that part of the reason that parenting feelings so overwhelming is due to a lack of support and our inability to reach out and ask for help from the supports that we do have.
In our advanced digital age, we sometimes forget that humans are hardwired for connection. We truly need others. Finding support and asking for support can leave us feeling vulnerable and not everyone we meet is going to be a good match. Building friendships also takes time (which may feel like the last thing we have to offer). Prioritizing your mental health will positively impact the health of your family and yourself!
Creating a support network requires persistence, vulnerability and a nonjudgmental attitude. Just remember, a village is built with one relationship at a time.
How build your village
Look to build on relationships currently in existence.
Look for opportunities for friendship in the places you frequent.
Get to know your community and put yourself out there.
Attend events that you are invited too.
Ask for help.
Offer your help.
One of the ways that I built my support network was by organizing and participating in a yearly block party in my community. It has been a wonderful opportunity to create and maintain relationships with my neighbors. It is also a wonderful opportunity to help create friendships between the children.
DID YOU KNOW...
Sherwood Park offers grants for block parties through the Community Seeds Grants program as one of the strengthening community spirit initiatives. Reach out today if you are interested in hosting your own block party!
