Have you ever thought to yourself "I just have to deal with this person for 11 more years..."? Chances are, if you are in a co-parenting situation you have done the math. It can be tempting to count down the days until you no longer have to budget for child support payments or count down the days until you no longer have to see your co-parenting unit but reality is...there is no real end to coparenting.
Yes, there are times in your child's life whe n co-parenting won't be as hands on. Ages birth to 5 require quite a bit of communication as the children themselves aren't necessarily able to communicate for themselves. The school age years require collaboration in regards to extra curricular scheduling and also come with the possibility of seeing each other frequently for school, sport or special events. Then come the teens and early adulthood where maybe you aren't in contact as much because the child is able to care for themselves in a greater way...but with increased responsibility comes increased consequences and you and your co-parent may have to navigate large and complex issues (post secondary options, driving, drinking, drugs, etc,). Then comes adulthood. Surely co-parenting can cease then...but wait...what about weddings, grandchildren, birthday parties, housewarmings, anniversaries and holidays? What I am leading towards is...co-parenting is life long journey.
Reality
One of the biggest challenges I see co-parents face is their inability to face reality. It's tempting to live in a world of "if". "If my co-parent didn't exist, my life would be so much better", "If my ex had married someone else I wouldn't have to be constantly dealing with this awful person. "If my ex hadn't left me for them I wouldn't be so angry and I would be an amazing co-parent"...honestly the list goes on and on. Regardless of how entitled you may feel about your feelings and actions...chances are your avoidance of reality is not only harming your co-parenting relationship, it's harming you and it's negatively impacting your child.
WHY WE DON'T WANT TO FORGIVE
This article is called "the art of forgiveness" for a reason. Given that the co-parenting relationship is life long and people are not perfect...learning to forgive is going to be your secret bag of beens that help you climb the peaceful beanstalk. Forgiveness is going to be a choice that you make to move forward in love as opposed to sitting in resentment and fear. Forgiveness is going to be the gift you give your child.
I often sit in session and hear the stories that people share that they feel justify their behaviour. Most of them sound like this:
"He cheated and I don't want that woman around my kids"
"She is crazy and unstable"
"I did everything when we were together so I don't trust him to do a good job of parenting without me"
"She is purposefully keeping me from my kids and trying to drain my bank account to hurt me"
And then each party gets new partners and the hurt continues:
"His new wife is 27 and has never had kids, like hell I am going to have a child without children raise my kids"
"She is now with this loser who can't hold down a job and I'm supposed to keep paying for their lifestyle
"They don't follow the same bedtime routine and when I get the kids back they are exhausted and miserable and now I have to fix them again"
"They moved on so fast and they are spending way too much time with their new partner and are ignoring the kids"
People don't want to forgive and move on because the anger is fuels them. And what happens when someone is no longer angry? It means that they have released the influence that someone or something has on them. Ironically, even that reality can be incredibly angering. Rumination and the focus on the negative creates a filtering mindset. Filtering is a maladaptive (unhelpful) cognitive behaviour that impacts your beliefs, feelings and behaviours...and not in a good way.
Anger
It's ok to experience moments of anger. Anger is a stage of grief and the loss of a relationship...is a loss. What is not healthy is thriving on conflict, living in anger, and purposefully hunting out reasons to stay angry. Our brains are plastic. A memory or experience doesn't hold any value until we place meaning on it. Simply put, we decide whether we want to use a negative lens or a positive lens. Only when we release anger, do we find peace. Only when we choose a positive lens, does the world becomes less negative.
There is a wonderful piece of research about anger and change. Researchers trained pigeons to follow a light show and to press coordinating coloured buttons. After a period of time, the pigeons figured out the pattern and happily went along pushing the coloured coordinating buttons. But...when researchers changed up the pattern...the pigeons went berserk. Some pigeons smashed the heads on the wall and died and others ruffled their feathers and became distraught. Overtime those that hadn't severely harmed themselves or died, took time to note the new pattern and carried on. New co-parents (or co-parents that refuse to accept reality) often mirror the stressed pigeons.
How can you tell if you are similar to the distressed pigeon:
You try to limit your co-parents time or experience with the children
You refuse to acknowledge positively changed parental behaviour
You are upset with almost every single thing the other home is doing
You try to limit your co-parents new partner by suggesting they don't attend functions or limit bonding experiences with the children
You use outdated examples from periods in your relationship and try to imprint them on current situations
You refuse to show respect the co-parent and their new partner
The kids
You may think you are doing an awesome job of hiding the fact that you don't like you child's co-parent or co-parents. Here is a secret...you are not. The small comments, the eye rolls, the self serving behaviours and the small petty things that happen when we are angry...kids see them and they feel them. I will never forget when my stepson was young and crying and when I asked him what was wrong he said "I'm sorry my mom is mean to you". The funny thing is that the rude behaviours didn't bother me, but he had seen them. Her inability to say "hi" back, the rude looks and the ignoring behaviours. He had seen them all and not only did he feel awful...he felt responsible. Truth is, kids love most people who love them. When you insult, disrespect, or putdown someone your child loves...it hurts your child. Kids should in no way be a mediator for hurt parents.
Respecting your co-parent(s) is a simple way to show love for your child. Do you like your co-parent? It doesn't matter. It's not about your feelings, it about your child. That is, after all, the only tie between you and your child's parent. If you don't like the new girlfriend but she is taking time to play lego with your kid, recognize your hurt. If you don't like the new boyfriend because he is introducing your child to their interests, recognize your hurt. Once we recognize the hurt, we can heal the hurt.
Forgiveness
If you read through this article and thought, "oh gosh...this is me", fear not! The first step is identifying the behaviour and the second step is modifying the behaviour. I have never met a truly happy and peaceful person who is holding onto anger and so the solution becomes obvious...let the air out of the balloon. Forgiveness is the answer.
Often the roadblock to forgiveness is pride. We can misunderstand forgiveness as something that we give to others, but in reality forgiveness is a gift for ourselves. Parents who harbour resentment and bitterness just serve to feed conflict, which is destructive for yourself and your kids. Children NEED their parents to encourage a positive narrative about one another.
Forgiveness does not mean you forget the past hurt, but instead it releases you from holding it. Unconditional positive regard is pure magic when it comes to co-parenting with forgiveness. To use unconditional positive regard, always assume that the other person means well. This mental flip can help you from sitting in the negative. Forgiveness can actually be a reframe. See below:
Kids show up at your house exhausted after a week at the other home? Possibly because they were having fun and enjoying new experiences
The other home has a completely different set of rules? Your children are learning that there are various ways of doing something and they will eventually choose what works best for them
The other house didn't make their usual evening call with the kids? Maybe the children were tired and fell asleep early or were busy with something wonderful
Do your best
Forgiveness is a process and co-parenting is a process. Do your best. Forgiveness may not be easy but its benefits will serve both you and your children.
