Has your child come home from their shared home with a different mood or different behaviour? Within the shared home dynamic, it can be tempting to want to blame the other home. After all, they weren't like this before they went over there...right?
Parenting is challenging when you know what is going on with your child, so you can imagine how difficult parenting is when you have limited or no access for periods of time.
COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE HOMES
Communication between shared homes is important. It is especially important when kids are young, there are health challenges, and/or special considerations. For example, it can be critical for co-parents to communicate issues regarding medicine, practitioner appointments or medical needs. But what happens to the other everyday issues? Issues like bedtimes and curfew. Nutrition and diet. Tech and play. Chores and routine. Language and behaviour. School work and activities?
Things will be different
I explain to my co-parenting clients that common reasons for separating are usually founded in value based differences. So it is impractical to assume that the issues that were part of the relationship breakdown wouldn't continue on in mutual interests (such as the kids)! In other words, if a behaviour of difference existed before, there is a good chance of it continuing. If you disagreed on priorities, issues will most likely continue.
PICK YOUR BATTLES
That isn't to say you should stop caring or the issues of concern aren't important. It just means that at the end of the day, your circle of influence does not extend into all of the decisions or events that happen in the other home. There may be very legitimate and good reason to do things a specific way in your home, but that does not mean that your co-parent will agree. For example, we as adults operate within our value based systems. Our values determine how to prioritize life. Someone valuing friendships may believe that it is more important that their child spend time playing with friends over doing chores within the home. The other parent may value responsibility and organization and it more likely to encourage the routine of doing chores before play.
There is no right or wrong
Shout this from the rooftops! Soak it in. Let it be your mantra. There are a million different ways to parent, and not one way is right or wrong. I would argue that kids benefit from being exposed to different value based systems and experiences. As a co-parent, yes it is a struggle when rules are contradicted between homes. It especially sucks when you are the home with more rules! The good news is that kids actually need structure and there are able to understand that different homes have different rules. They discern this through school and teachers and sport and coaches. When speaking with your co-parent about concerns, stay curious and remove judgment. Simply understanding their perspective may help you to understand their choice (even if you don't agree).
ASK BUT YOU MAY NOT RECEIVE
It is ok to express concerns between the homes, however it is best to pick your battles. Know that you expressing a concern may be met with defensiveness. Not a lot of people like to be criticized or evaluated on their parenting. The best way to communicate an issue is to remove yourself from the initial emotional response and think critically. Will this issue fundamentally matter in 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 years. There is a chance that your gentle curiosity will be met with some push back. Not everyone feels the need to explain themselves, and again...depending on how the relationship and separation played out...some may still be nursing some big feelings that are causing them to feel like they have to protect themselves. Ask the other parent when is a good time to talk. Give them advance notice about the topics so they have time to think about them. Allow them time to respond.
It is possible to be heard without being agreed with
When you express a concern, there is the some desire (or expectation) for change. One of the most critical components of communication is the desire to be heard. Active listening is a great way to let your co-parent know that you understand them. That does not mean you need to agree, but it does mean you need to listen. A good way to ask for a consideration is to say the following "I feel....when....and I need". Not all needs can be met, but using effective communication can ensure that we are respectful. Do not badger, harass, threaten or give ultimatums, When forced into change, it is usually not long lasting and can be damaging to the long term relationship. Thank your co-parent for taking the time to speak with you in regards to your concerns.
IT'S NOT SAFETY, IT'S PREFERENCE
Concerns mixed with emotions can elevate concern. There is a difference between safety and concern. You don't need to distinguish the difference on your own. Connect with supports to help. For example, if you are concerned with diet and nutrition, talk to a dietician. Connect with a Paediatrician to help with issues regarding sleep, medical, etc. Keep in mind that what may seem unsafe to you, is perfectly safe in the eyes of the law and in the practice of others. Preference is a preferred way of doing something, not the only way of doing something. DO NOT canvass friends and family and assume that they speak for the larger population. We usually surround ourselves with like people, so polling those people can really limit perspective. Consult with teachers, coaches, and others that spend time with your children. They see a myriad of kids and parenting and they are likely to communicate when they see concerning behaviour.
Influence
Keep in mind that you hold influence with your child, even if they aren't in your care. The best thing you can do is model the citizenship that you desire, to your child. That includes respectful communication and boundary management. Maintain the rules and routine in your home that reflect your values and allow the other home their right to do the same. If there are safety concerns, use the proper avenues to address them (lawyer, parent coordinator, etc.).
