The most spoken and acknowledged type of grief is the one that accompanies physical loss. Society understands grief in relation to the physical passing of a loved one, but what happens when the person you love is still alive, and healthy, and living down the street? How do you reconcile that type of loss?
Complicated Grief
Divorce grief can be incredibly complicated. Rarely is anyone fully prepared for the conclusion of their marriage. This is particularly true if one half of the relationship was surprised by the conclusion.
There are various reasons for divorce however in my professional experience, disappointment is often the origin. How you thought it was going to be, how marriage would feel and look, how your partner would treat you and how you would both contribute to the marriage, are all part of the unmet expectations that lend to feeling disappointed.
Disappointment
Disappointment plays a big role in divorce grief as well. Several psychological issues present themselves when individuals plan a future with another person and then a life shift changes the trajectory of their life plan. It's not uncommon for one partner to insist that the idea of divorce was present for a significant amount of time prior to separation. For some, divorce was looming in conversations, arguments, and plans. For others, it can feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath them. Either way, the logistical shift can be overwhelming. There are tangible decisions that need to be made regarding custody and finances and there they are the intangible items: your feelings, the feelings of your children, and the feelings of family and friends.
Trauma
Divorce can be traumatizing. The separation of yourself and a loved one can bring up underlying attachment concerns or past hurt. In fact, according to the Holmes-Rate Stress Inventory, divorce is the second highest life stress event (second to the death of a spouse).
The 5 common emotions that accompany loss are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (and not necessarily in that order). Divorce grief is no exception. Grief, in any form, takes time to emotionally process. There is no set time for emotional recovery and I encourage you to release yourself from any expectations you may hold for yourself and your experience.
STEPS FOR DIVORCE RECOVERY
Acceptance. The sooner you are able to face reality, the sooner you are able to take next steps. Regardless of how you got to this place, divorce is happening and all the bargaining, ruminating, and blame won't help you move forward.
Take time to acknowledge and process your emotions. I encourage clients to take the time to explore their grief. A counsellor is a great support for exploring big, complicated feelings.
Check your intentions. Court is not a guarantee and I have met several people who have drown themselves in financial debt and emotional anguish using legal venues to work out emotional issues. If any part of you has big ideas of revenge, or a desire to "punish" their previous partner...just don't. It is so damaging to your emotional recovery and long term co-parenting health (if you have children).
Sit in your grief long enough to feel it, not so long you become stuck. Sitting in your grief means not making any big or drastic decisions. It means not running towards commitments. It means giving yourself time to just be. A good rule of thumb is 6 months. No big changes (that you can help) for 6 months. Emotional decisions are often accompanied with regret in the long run. Don't try to out run grief. Grief needs to be sorted and processed.
Forgiveness. Release yourself, and your previous partner, from past wrongs. I encourage client's to journal their feelings when processing divorce grief. Focus on forgiveness and moving forward. Take the lessons, leave the blame.
Grief is complicated, and divorce grief is no exception. If you are looking to process some of your divorce grief, find trusted people that are able to walk alongside you. Counselling is a great starting point!
