One of the most difficult decisions we can face in our romantic relationships: do I stay or do I go? This relationship becomes considerably more complicated when we add in complicated factors such as shared children, finances, pets, comfort and the unknown.
When we look to make big decisions in our lives, it is important to understand how we come to a conclusion. For some pro and con lists help, others prefer to look for advice from family and friends. As a counsellor, many people look to me to make that decision for/with them. Counsellors are not avenues for advice but rather we use psychological interventions to help guide clients to make their own decisions and to understand with confidence how they finally arrived at their decision.
When clients come to me at the crux of a decision to either stay or go, I as them to examine the following:
Assess the health of the relationship
-How do you feel in the presence of your partner?
-What are non-negotiattbles and what are areas where you can consider some compromise?
-Are both people willing to do the work to repair?
-Evaluate if the relationship is healthy (talk to your counsellor if you aren't sure what a healthy relationship looks like)
-Pay attention to how the relationship feels in reality (not in its potential).
Examine your values
-Am I showing up in the relationship as my best self?
-Do I feel free to live according to my personal values within this relationship?
-Does this relationship reflect my values?
-Are you who you want to be in this relationship?
-Are their common goals or values?
Listen to your body
-Are you feeling anxious when you are in their presence?
-Do you feel relief when in their absence?
-What does your inner voice say?
-What does your gut say?
If the question of staying or leaving continually comes up (or keeps you awake at night), it is definitely time to evaluate the situation. Couples counselling is a great place to explore tools to help strengthen and build your bond. At the same time, through the process of couples counselling some couples find clarity in their decision to end the relationship. Ultimately, the decision to stay or go is yours, but counselling is a great place to unpack some of those big "what if" questions.
