In society, we often hear the words "envy" and "jealousy" used interchangeably. But did you know that they each have a unique meaning, different from one another (although they often occur in similar situations).
Envy
occurs when we have a perceived lack of something that is enjoyed by another. It can feel like an unfair advantage.
Jealousy
occurs when something that we already possess is threatened by someone or something. It's the feeling of losing something that you feel is yours (whether it is rightly or wrongly). Jealousy is anticipatory and it seeks to prevent loss.
As easy way to remember the difference between envy and jealousy is to think in terms of loss (jealousy) and gain (envy).
Understanding how someone feels is the first step towards empathizing and diffusing situations. It can also explain why certain people hit continual roadblocks towards feeling good about themselves or others.
Shame
is a feeling of embarrassed or humiliation that arises from a perceived feelings of having done something wrong. It forms in a belief that we are flawed or unworthy.
Insecurity
is a feeling of inadequacy. Insecurity can lead to a lack of confidence ranging from certain aspects in life (relationships, work, etc.) to a general feeling of helplessness or inadequacy.
So how do envy, jealousy, shame and insecurity work together?
Envy and jealousy are primary emotions and they often arise from feelings of inadequacy through comparisons. Envy and jealousy are common and we are all human. The formation of these emotions can happen in early on in life and continue throughout our life span (rivalry with an older sibling=envy and/or betrayal from a friend or loved one=jealousy).
To live a life without experiencing these emotions would be very rare, so try to be gentle with yourself when they appear. Society encourages us to shy away or ignore negative emotions, to even feel embarrassment when they appear. For that reason, shame often occurs when envy or jealousy are near. Frequent feeling of shame can impact our self confidence or self worth causing insecurity...which can be triggered by envy or jealousy. They all cycle together making it difficult to see a different perspective.
So how do we break the cycle? When we sit with our negative feelings and stay curious (as opposed to judgmental) we open ourselves to teachable moments. Next time you find yourself sitting in envy or jealousy, ask yourself:
-what is the story I am telling myself?
Through self reflection we may find pervasive narratives that we are holding onto that no longer serve us. For instance, if we carry a belief that the world is unfair, we may become envious of others, jealously protective of what we do have, feel shame for a these feelings and as a result develop insecurities.
If you find yourself sitting in envy or jealousy often, or experiencing lingering feelings of insecurity and shame, it might be time to go talk to something and to start dismantling some of the beliefs, feelings and behaviours that are causing you to be part of a difficult cycle.
