"Failure to Launch" is a pop culture term that refers to an adult child who remains highly dependent on their parents. What this looks like in practice is a lack of motivation, disinterest in pursuing adult ventures (getting a job, taking steps to move out), procrastination, low ambition, an inability to manage stress, and poor social skills.
A common assumption is that these children are lazy. In truth, it may not have to do with laziness although that could be a contributing factor. Often these early adults are struggling with mental health concerns that are contributing to their inability to "launch" into adulthood. Our goal as parents is to raise adults, not to indulge in childhoods.
Parental Contributing factors
Enabling behaviours from parents have contributed to this phenomenon. There has been a cultural shift in the past 2 decades wherein parents' efforts to ease their children's distress have inadvertently removed critical skills from being formed. What does this look like in practice?
Removing socially anxious children from social situations
Removing the demands of life from children (household contributions, learning life skills)
Protecting our children from all forms of disappointment
There is a lovely saying that I like to reference in regard to our parental focus: "When we do for others what they could do for themselves, we rob them of the ability to gain confidence and mastery". Keeping that in mind, when we create ideal situations for our children and we remove all roadblocks...what is the incentive to launch?
What is not a "failure to launch"
There are many situations that may cause adult children to have delays in hallmark adult milestones (marriage, children, owning a home, full-time employment, and living independently). There can be socioeconomic reasons for delays: post-secondary education, rising housing costs, and rising student debt. There are justified reasons for children to be cautious or even worried about ventures into adulthood, but our job as parents is not to clear the way for our children but instead to walk alongside and give them opportunities to build the skills and confidence to take on difficult tasks.
The lure of Accommodation
Parental overinvolvement can actually worsen a child's symptoms. In practice, I saw this most often during COVID when parents gave their socially avoidance or uncomfortable children the option of studying from home. What we are seeing now in that specific situation is that parents are not only struggling to get those children back into the classroom, they are struggling to get them into a university classroom, a place of employment and into any social scenario.
Accommodation can truly mean any time we remove obstacles from our child's path. Often, this is a reflection of the parents' discomfort with disappointing their child more than it is about the child's discomfort.
How to help launch your child
An initial step is being reflective and honest about your parenting style. Overinvolved parents statistically have children with higher rates of anxiety and depression. Look for honest input from a therapist or an unbiased third party. We as humans are likely to spend time with like-minded people, so close friends and family may not be able to provide an unbiased opinion.
Don't do for your child what they can do for themselves. Enabling is doing for them, and empowering is doing with them. Assign small and manageable tasks that allow your child to build confidence. If they are nervous about making a doctors appointment themselves, sit beside them as they call (don't call for them). If they are nervous about applying for a job, sit with them while they create a resume and look it over for them (don't create the resume for them).
Set realistic goals and follow through with conversations about expectations. Get them involved with tasks around the home and allow them to be responsible for age-appropriate chores.
If there are mental health concerns, family therapy can be helpful in navigating changes and learning to build a supportive household for everyone.
