As we enter a season of family holidays (Easter, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, etc.) the current state of family relationships bubbles to the surface. For some, family events and holidays are an opportunity to spend time with people that we love and enjoy. They are dates looked forward to and moment of building memories. To others, it is a painful time of exclusion and distress. They are dates that are dreaded and filled with grief.
Family does not equal safe
The assumption that family is a safe place for everyone is a very harmful for those dealing with toxic family members or family trauma (or drama). Not all families are healthy and/or safe. It is family shaming when we use statements such as "but it's family" or "blood is thicker...". When we use statements like these we invalidate the experience of others.
GOALS OF FAMILY HEALTH
A healthy family structure is one wherein the individual members feel supported, have a sense of belonging and connection, there is open communication, and respect.
When to show up
Things to consider when evaluating the choice to attend a family function:
are family members allowed to communicate different perspectives without others getting angry with one another?
are family members able to be respectful and open towards changing needs?
do all family members subscribe to the same set of expectations in regards to the respectful treatment of others?
do family members demonstrate trust, love, and concern for one another?
are family members able to repair damage?
do family members encourage a healthy expression of emotion?
If the answer was “yes” to many questions, that’s great! Your family is on the right path towards health. It may be that attending family functions is the right choice for you!
When to not attend
If you answered “no”…
Ask yourself “do you end up feeling bad after most encounters with family or a specific family member?” If yes, there are some unhealthy behaviours being practiced and it’s possible that attending may not be the right choice for you at this time.
Very few families get along all the time, but if the dysfunction is chronic and/or persistent, boundaries may be an important piece to attending family events. Just because the calendar indicates a holiday, it does not mean you need to sacrifice your physical, mental, or financial well-being to attend.
Attending family events is YOUR choice, and it can be based on a current evaluation. Just because things were good in the past, does not mean you need to attend now and vice versa! Maybe old harmful relationships have been repaired and you are ready to rebuild and attend! If you choose to attend but are in a place where there is a lack of trust or you are trying to rebuild relationships, start slow. Consider the following:
Evaluate what YOU want. Ask yourself "what is ok, and what is not ok". If attending some events is ok but others aren’t, spend some time reviewing why and communicate your decisions.
Limit the information that you share during time with family. Stick to topics that are safe for you to discuss and information that you are willing to share.
Learn to say no. It is perfectly ok to say no to attending. It is also ok to say no to participating in activities that don’t feel good (gossip, traditions, etc.)
Detach from situations that create opportunities for further conflict. You can leave the room if topics discussed aren’t ok with you. You can refrain from getting entangled in hot topics (politics, child rearing, finances, etc.). You can fully detach and leave entirely if it no longer feels ok for you to be there.
Consider what works for you. This can include a convent or safe location (such as a public place) and transportation to and from (try to take your own so you can leave at your convenience). Consider external factors as well (will there be alcohol involved?).
When to leave
You may have reviewed the situation and decided to attend however during the course of the event it no longer felt ok, LEAVE. Attending does not mean you are committed to staying in a situation that is not ok. Reasons to leave:
abuse
gaslighting
rudeness or contempt
criticisms
hate speech
You do not need to put yourself in an unsafe position for the sake of others, regardless of the holiday or celebration.
New Holiday Traditions
Holidays can be challenging to those with toxic family members or estranged relationships. Tips to help get through the holidays if getting together with family isn't an option:
create new traditions with friends (like friends-giving!) and get together with people who are healthy and safe for you to be around
plan to take trips or vacations during those dates! Christmas in the desert? Yes, please!
turn the holiday in a self-care day! Go for a walk, get a massage, treat yourself to a delicious meal
