I grew up with parents who modeled love and respect. They showed me what a healthy and happy marriage looked like, and that was invaluable. The one thing they never really showed me was how to disagree within a relationship. In fact, I don’t have one single memory of them disagreeing at all. When I entered adulthood and began having adult relationships, I became incredibly uncomfortable with conflict. I became flooded when difficult conversations started and as a result I ended relationships prematurely because I didn’t understand that conflict was healthy in relationships. That isn't to say that you shouldn't shield your children from private conversations and adult topics. There is a time and place for specific content. But it is healthy for children to see how adults express and process emotion. Modelling how to respectfully disagree and how to resolve conflict and make repairs when wronged is a very important life skill!
Disagreements in relationships remind us that we are two independent people who share some common goals, but also have our own ideas, preferences and values. Conflict creates room for change. It brings new ideas and breaks away from routine. Conflict, when done in a respectful way, can actually bring two people closer together. However, in order for conflict to be a healthy, each partner needs to understand the rules and fight fair.
In our home, we have 3 specific fair fighting rules that have helped our marriage navigate tough conversations:
1. No late night talks. If it’s past 8pm, we table it until a different time.
2. Do not make assumptions.
3. Plan ahead. We ask each other if it’s a good time to talk. If not, we reschedule to a time that works better. Rescheduling (or tabling the conversation) gives us time to collect our thoughts and it removes us from those emotionally charged initial moments.
Rules for Fighting Fair
DO
1. Be prepared to hear your partner.
2. Be respectful.
3. Avoid using the words “always” or “never” (Generalizations are rarely accurate and can devalue your partner)
4. Compromise.
5. Calmly communicate your needs to your partner.
6. Make it the goal to understand, not to be “right”.
7. Agree to disagree.
8. Use humor to break the tension.
9. Keep your private life, private.
10. Reach out for professional help.
DON’T
1. Interrupt.
2. Name call or yell.
3. Try to intimidate.
4. Avoid conflict. Pushing our feelings down or ignoring them usually just postpones the inevitable.
6. Blame.
7. Keep score.
8. Threaten a break up or divorce.
9. Handle anger in front on children (allow a cooling off period).
10. Confuse the topics with issue.
Rules for fighting around children
1. Use the fair fighting rules
2. Don’t fight about the children in front of the children
3. Avoid adult topics
4. Never involve the children or ask them to pick sides
5. Make sure children hear you resolve conflict
6. Circle back with the children afterwards to let them know that everything is ok
