Co-parenting can be a struggle, regardless of how you got there. Many clients ask me my opinion on the idea of "being friends" with their ex: "how realistic is it?". they ask. It usually comes up in the conversation in the way of one party wanting it, and the other not, and the frustration that follows. It usually sounds like this...
Some want it: "There is no reason why we can't remain friends. We were friends before and nothing needs to change!"
Some don't: "We broke up and I'm hurt. Why would I want to be friends with someone who hurt me?"
Some think it necessary: "It's for the kids. They should see us getting along"
and other's don't: "Our lives don't need to be intertwined. We share the kids and that is enough".
AND let's not forget the chorus of others that have opinions...
"I think being friends with your ex is weird. If you could be friends then why didn't you stay married?"
"You've got to be friends with the ex. It's the right thing to do...for the kids"
"That asshole shouldn't be a part of your life. He/she doesn't deserve to be friends with you, or anybody"
Oh yes, there are no shortage of opinions when it comes to marriage, divorce, and co-parenting (Read "what is not a helpful divorce resource" for more info). There may be incentives to friendship with your fellow co-parent. It could mean increased and more effective communication. It could include additional opportunities to be around the kids (joint birthday parties, family dinners, etc.). Maybe a friendship would mean a general reduction in conflict, increased collaboration and a warm feeling in your heart knowing that this is where you two were always meant to be: raising wonderful little humans together... but apart. But alas, not all friendships are built the same. Whether or not you got the friendship (or lack thereof) that you wanted, it does not mean that the present or future look the way you want.
Reasons not to be friends
Maybe you weren't friends before and you are two very different people and going your separate ways allows you to live a more authentic life, free of judgment and criticism. An absence of friendship may allow you to focus more on the needs of the kids and the co-parenting relationship. If there has been trauma or betrayal, a friendship is usually not likely until you are able to process the experience and move forward in a healthy way.
The reality is that friendship is a two way street. It doesn't work well with one unwilling participant. One of the most common thinking errors made after a split is the assumption that both parties are in the same place emotionally. Just because you may be in the same situation (signing papers, changing homes, adjusting to a custody schedule, etc) does NOT mean that you are necessarily in the same place mentally. It is important to give the other person the space (emotionally and physically) to process these big changes. When rushed (or forced) the result is usually an unbalanced relationship that can actually result in long term damage to your co-parenting relationship.
The good news is that friendship is not a requirement for co-parenting and it isn't even a requirement for great co-parenting. In same situations, it works and it's awesome. In others, it doesn't. The co-parent not wanting a friendship isn't at fault, or wrong, or bad. Just as the parent advocating for the friendship isn't more healed, or enlightened or right. In fact, most clients that express a desire to not remain friends do so in an attempt to salvage the long term co-parenting relationship. The idea is that less exposure and reduced expectations limit the opportunity for ongoing or new conflict. There is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to the topic of friendship after divorce.
If you are MORE COMFORTABLE with the idea of becoming or remaining friends, consider the following:
1. Ask yourself why you want a friendship right now. Be sure to check any desires to control or manipulate situations.
2. Review your expectations. Not everyone wants to be friends and not every friendship will look the way you want.
3. Review the reality. What is your history? Were you friends before? Is it realistic to to want to be friends at this moment?
If you are LESS COMFORTABLE with the idea of becoming or remaining friends, consider the following:
Formulate an end game. What is your long term goal? Is it sitting together for an elementary Christmas concert, maybe a graduation, maybe a wedding. Think long term and take small steps to work towards that goal.
Confront reality. While the marriage may have ended, there is a residual co-parenting relationship in place. Rude or unfriendly behaviour is difficult for children (of any age) and it creates increased discomfort for others (teachers, coaches, mutual friends, etc.).
Respect. Acknowledge that while the other parent may not be your friend (now or in the future) there needs to be a leve of respect for one another. It costs nothing to be kind and say "hi".
In all my time spent in the counselling chair, I have never once heard a single person say that they don't want to be a good co-parent. The good news is that you don't NEED to be friends to be a good co-parent.
Maybe it's not about being friends at all. Maybe it's about being respectful and allowing the love you have for your children trump the dislike you have of the other person. Being friendly is a way to model respect and kindness to your children. It's a way to help reduce conflict. It's a way to give peace to yourself, and possibly others.
Here are 5 ways to be a friendly co-parent (without actually being friends):
Acknowledge that you are in the co-parenting relationship.
Small meaningless but polite conversation. Like the kind you would have with a cashier. Topics like weather, non controversial items relating to the kids, etc.
Let the small things go.
Attempt a united front.
Be kind to one another and members of each other's circle.
Respect different parentings styles.
Be realistic and work towards a new type of family.
