Grief is the response felt when there is emotional suffering from a loss. Emotional responses to grief may include anger, sadness, guilt, denial, loneliness and despair. Physical responses to grief may include: nausea, fatigue, forgetfulness, and confusion. There are many factors that may contribute to how intensely grief impacts us: the importance of the loss, gender, cultural background, and age (just to name a few).
According to the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, divorce is the second highest rated stressful event that can occur in adulthood (after the death of a spouse). Incentives to want to work through grief derived from divorce may include: improve mental and physical health, model good health for your children, improve a co-parenting relationship with your divorced partner, etc.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross states that there are 7 stages of grieving. How and when we move through these stages is unique to the person and the situation. The 7 stages are:
Shock – a feeling of paralyzation which can be accompanied with a feeling of numbness
(“I cannot move from this moment”)
Denial – avoidance of the inevitable
(“he/she will be back. This isn’t happening”)
Anger – frustration and acting out
(“he/she will regret leaving me. I will make them regret their decision”)
Bargaining – seeking in vain a way out. It is not uncommon for people of faith to ask for an exchange of behaviour
(“If I had been more available, he/she would have stayed”)
Depression – realization and disappointment of the inevitable reality
(“My life is ruined. I will never recover”)
Testing – finding realistic solutions for coping and rebuilding. People in this stage may turn to religion or different philosophies.
(“Maybe it’s time to start moving on. Maybe I should start a new relationship”)
Acceptance - finding a way forward
(“There were problems in our marriage. I will be ok. I have the opportunity to find someone better suited for me”)
If you are feeling stuck in post-divorce grief, there are several ways to start processing the loss and to start to moving forward.
1 Seek professional help. An unbiased third party (such as a Counsellor) can help you work through your experience. Friends and family can be sources of support but it is important to remember that they may also be grieving and need space to work through their experience, independent of yours.
2 Journal. Journaling can help you express your feelings in a creative and tangible way. Journal prompts to explore the marriage including asking yourself: What is the truth of your marriage, where am I responsible, what am I gaining by remaining a victim (for those struggling with victim mentality), what is my attitude and how is it contributing to my healing.
3 Maintain interests and hobbies. Participate in activities that bring you joy and find reconnection with self and others.
4 Identify and plan for triggers. If anniversaries and holidays are triggers for you, buffer those moments with self-care and activities that make you feel good.
5 Avoid victimhood. Blame leads to resentment and rumination blocks our ability to move forward. The mental and physical cost of remaining a victim is high and particularly harmful to children of the marriage.
6 Cultivate a desire to want to get better. It’s normal to relive the past and to replay both positive and negative moments from your relationship or marriage, however if you are spending a significant amount of time in the past and struggling to be present or unable to move forward, it may be time to reach out for support.
