I got home from work a few months ago and heard my fiancée on the phone in another room. I could hear a woman’s voice on the other line. I could hear laughter and delight in their voices. When he hung up, he came out of the room smiling. “Your mom is hilarious”.
This summer we had a barbeque and my fiancée’s family came over, my parents were in town visiting and we ran out of ice. My brother-in-law offered to go get some and my mom volunteered to walk with him to the store as a chance to catch up.
Last week my father-in-law stopped in to have a beer and watch the game. He called me kiddo, gave me a huge hug and asked about my week. He mentioned that my mother and mother-in-law had text each other to wish one another “happy birthday” (they share a birthday).
Yesterday I busy putting away laundry and I overheard my stepson laughing and talking in his room alone. I leaned over to see what movie he was watching on his iPad. I was surprised to see that it wasn’t a movie at all, it was my father on facetime. He had called grandpa to show him what he had built.
Gratitude
In little moments like these, when I witness these beautiful and authentic relationships, I am reminded of how far our family has come. I am grateful for the long, hard, winding road that lead me to where our family is today. These wonderful relationships and friendships didn’t just happen overnight. As with all relationships, they took care, effort, time and a whole lot of patience.
When I decided to begin a relationship with a man who had a child, I did my best to limit my expectations, both for myself and for others. I knew that my parents were still processing my divorce. I wasn’t sure what the reaction would be when my parents found out that I was dating a man with a son. I wasn’t sure how my fiancée’s family would respond to someone new entering the family and their grandson’s life. I had hoped that everyone would be kind but I also knew that divorce is a loss that everyone processes in their own way and that change isn’t always welcomed.
Good Things Take Time
My fiancée and I agreed to take small steps with introductions. I did my best to appreciate each moment for what it was and to have no expectations for the behaviour of others. I was pleasantly surprised with what developed over time. Small pleasantries turned into conversations which in some cases later developed into friendships.
My parents have an amazing relationship with their grandson and their son-in-law. I enjoy and appreciate the company of my in-laws. Our mutual parents get along so well that they communicate with one another and make efforts to see each other. Perhaps the most surprising (and hilarious) relationship that grew was the one between my mom and my brother-in-law. 5 years later we are a fully blended modern family.
I truly believe that if I had created (or maintained) expectations, pushed these relationships, or forced interactions, we wouldn’t be where we are today. And it’s not perfect. Not everyone gets along all the time. I appreciate those tough moments as well because it reminds me that we have truly become a family. We are comfortable and secure enough to have hurt feelings or misunderstandings but we are all working towards the same goal: support and love for one another.
Give Space to Blend
Blending families (and blending extended families) can be stressful. Each family is unique and has their own structure. It is tempting to want to fast forward past that difficult adjustment phase (especially given that research shows that the adjustment phase can last 2 years or longer!). Unfortunately, there is no fast forward button and in the attempt to create stability we can rush the process of “blending” families which inadvertently can create a rocky foundation. This is most common when there are children from each marriage and there is a desire to reduce feeling like there are two separate families.
What helped me to slow down and appreciate the blending process was to think of the various relationships as if they were individual plants. You plant a seed and you give it space to grow, you nurture it with care and attention and you patiently let it turn into what it will be. Not every flower blooms and not every flower is a prize winning rose, and that’s ok.
In our family, the relationship that my father has grown with his grandson (my stepson) is the prize winning rose. Those two are best friends. My father introduced himself as “Robin’s dad” and he gave my stepson the space to grow. Our little guy decided on his own to call my dad “grandpa” and my dad referred to him as his grandson. My father nurtured the relationship with attention (he video chats regularly, calls often, visits as much as he can, plays with him non-stop) and care (he lets my stepson lead the conversation and offers unconditional love and support). He patiently grew the relationship and I am so appreciative of their bond.
If you are interested in learning some skills to help grow your blended family, please reach out!
