Holidays can be a stressful time. In fact, research shows that up to 69% of people feel like there is a lack of time during the holidays. If you combine that feeling with the shared home dynamic of sharing time your kids between their two homes, then you begin to understand why the holidays are particularly challenging. Shared parenting during the holidays is tough because time is limited, and we as adults parents can get a feeling of fomo.
I used to really love the holidays. I loved decorating, holiday baking, cozy evenings with family around the fire, Christmas movies and driving around to check out the lights. My love of Christmas took a real beating when I became a step parent. All of a sudden the holiday season was stressful! It was compressed into tiny sets of days, it became a very strange competition of sorts to be the house to take him to the new movie, the holiday festivals, to see Santa, and to make time for our extended families. There was never enough time.
Tips for holidays in a shared home
ACCEPT REALITY
Repeat after me, this is happening. Things are going to be different. The longer you hold onto what was, the harder it is going to be for everyone involved…especially the kids. Radical acceptance is your friend. Try to draw focus to the things you can control, like how you spend time together when you are together. Do not project your feelings of loneliness or wanting onto your kids. If you are struggling to fill the time between custody stays, keep reading and check out the self care section below!
CREATE A HOLIDAY CUSTODY SCHEDULE
Creating a holiday custody schedule is incredibly important. It sets aside specific time for both families to enjoy time together for the holidays. The holiday schedule can be included in a parenting plan and it can include changes to the regular pickup/drop off schedule, changes outside of the usual schedule, and include changes to accommodate special events.
RESPECT THE HOLIDAY CUSTODY SCHEDULE
In my experience, nothing is more frustrating than hammering out a holiday custody schedule just to have the other parent consistently try to move the dates or negotiate changes on the fly. Yes, things happen but try to respect the fact that each family creates holiday plans based on their holiday schedule. What may seem like a small request to you, may actually be a big request for the other home. Do you best to stick to the agreed upon schedule and accept “no” as an answer if others are not able to accommodate requests for changes.
PLAN FOR DOWN TIME
The holidays can be incredibly busy so try to schedule or plan for down time. Family nights at home are incredibly important to children that need to recharge their batteries. If possible, communicate with your co-parent about upcoming holiday plans. This is the best way to ensure your child isn’t rushing around to duplicate events or being stretched too thin with activities.
START NEW FAMILY TRADITIONS
A great way to connect with family during the holiday seasons is to create traditions or rituals. Try to focus on activities that aren’t date specific. In our home we bake holiday treats together, watch the same 3 Christmas movies and we decorate the tree together. By creating traditions that aren’t date specific, you are able to accommodate any custody schedule!
BE FLEXIBLE
The more rigid you are, the more issues will arise. If you find yourself thinking “this isn’t fair” then there is a good chance that your holiday season is going to be sprinkled with disappointment. Try to focus your attention on a few things that you want out of the holiday season and try to be flexible with everything else! Remind yourself that it’s a season, and not a specific day. Memories will be made when you are all together, whether that is on the 18th or the 25th
KEEP FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN CHECK
Sometimes it is difficult for family and friends to understand a custody schedule. The holidays are no exception. Communicate your schedule early to your extended family and friends. Let them know that if they are planning get togethers or events, to plan within your allotted time if possible. The holidays may be one scenario where the other home may not be able to move things around and so planning family time within your custody time is the best way to be respectful and guarantee attendance.
PRACTICE SELF CARE
Yes, the days without the kids can feel lonely. Remember to check in with yourself and maintain good mental health. Plan your own activities when they aren’t with you. Prep for some holiday fun for when they are back! When our son is at his moms I’m usually cleaning up, wrapping gifts, attending holiday events with my husband, and scheduling in my appointments so I can maximize the time when he is back!
BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
Most of us wouldn’t choose a shared parenting scenario. It just isn’t ideal. But when relationships break down, it’s a very common reality. If it feels tough, it’s because it is. There are good years, and tough years. Moments where we are super proud of how we behaved and others that we aren’t as proud. How we choose to respond is usually pretty indicative of how the holiday season is going to go. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your co-parent Be gentle with your kids. Acknowledge your grief.
Truthfully, the holidays have never fully recovered for me and that’s because life is different now and that’s ok. I have learned to adjust expectations and to be flexible. It requires a huge mind shift but I truly believe it is necessary in order for my family to have a great holiday season!
