Hopefully many of you have read Gary Chapman’s The 5 love languages. If you have not, run out and get it! I'll wait...
It is one of the top 5 books that I suggest for clients and it is one of those books that will fill you with Oprah’s Ah-ha! moments.
What are the love languages
The idea behind Chapman’s book is that we all have different ways of feeling loved. There are 5 different categories: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. These five categories influence how people speak and understand emotional love. Gary Chapman has also wrote a book in partnership with Ross Campbell that speaks to The 5 love languages of Children. So obviously I had to read it!
For anyone that has small children, you may relate to my initial reaction which was our child needs all 5 categories! And that is true. Children need to be shown love in many ways. However, if we have limited time (which shared families often do), I want to ensure that our child is receiving love in the most meaningful way. I'm going to continue what I've been doing, but I want to ensure that his little love tank is being filled with what he needs to make him feel loved!
Research shows that how we receive love is often how we reciprocate love. But, as Chapman notes, not every person is the same, and not every sibling is the same. So once again, nature vs. nurture tells us that experience also plays an important role.
YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE DOES NOT NEED TO BE THE SAME AS OTHERS
My fiancee and I do not share the same love language. He took the test before we formally started to date. It was important to me that to know how to show him love in a way he recognized, and vice versa. I wanted to ensure that we were speaking the same language, or at the very minimum...able to understand each other. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. His are words of affirmation and acts of service. We have used this information to better communicate between each other. At the end of a long day I am filled with love when he gives me a big hug and kiss. I try to show him love by helping out around the house. It is a constant give and take so that everyone feels loved. And so, I was curious what our little guy would be...
HOW TO DETERMINE YOU CHILD'S LOVE LANGUAGE
To determine your child’s love language, Chapman and Ross encourage parents to be observant. And so, I started observing (the book details how to do this) and this is what I found.
Our little guy loves touch and needs it, he doesn't crave it in the way that he once did. He doesn't need his baby blanket to find comfort anymore and he really prefers to have his own physical space. He likes new things and toys, but would give them away (and has offered) if he could exchange it for time with the family. He appreciates it when you help him out or do stuff for him, but that is more convenience and necessity.
Not surprising to me, our child feels love through quality time and words of affirmation.
Discovering his love language made our life instantly easier. I'm not kidding. When we began potty training m&m's were not enough to encourage his full commitment. We thought about ways to motivate him and we realized that using his love language could work. We made a chart and every time he used the potty he put a sticker on a sheet. After 5 stickers he could choose a family activity to do together (quality time). Still bribery but a different reward. Immediately we saw a change in his behaviour and soon after he was potty trained!
Benefits
Knowing his love language has had many benefits. We better understand his motivation and that helps with effective discipline. His love language helps to guide us as parents on how to help him to process tough emotions (like disappointment and rejection). Perhaps the greatest benefit was that it helped us to build secure attachment within the family.
I’m not suggesting that discovering your child’s love language is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Like most everything in life (and specifically with mental health) you have to work to see results. If you commit to observing, learning and changing, it can become a treasure map to a loving household (and it has been for our family). We have found that by tapping into each other’s love languages, we are better able to understand how to provide each family member with their unique needs. He knows that with me, a hug goes a long way. He also knows that helping his dad around the house is a way to show his dad that he loves him.
Gary Chapman has several books relating to love languages that are specific (but not limited) to Men, Military, Teens, and Singles. I encourage you to take the time to read up on what your love language is!
