Every relationship is governed by its own unique set of rules and boundaries, agreed upon by its members. Infidelity is defined as a breach of trust or promises made. Adultery (or infidelity or cheating) was often thought of as being the killer of marriages; the final blow that left the relationship in a place that was unable to be resuscitated.
It was long suggested that no marriage could survive the damage. New research and evidence based practices don’t necessarily agree. In fact, in some circumstances, infidelity can be the catalyst for positive change.
The Hard Truth
Infidelity is not uncommon. It occurs in approximately 20% of marriages and up to 70% of unmarried partnerships. Both males and females are participants of infidelity, however there are varying differences in the “why” and “how”. Infidelity is one the most common reasons for marital breakdown and divorce.
It is not uncommon to have a strong reaction to a betrayal and to experience a myriad of emotions. Processing a breach of trust and navigating the waters of unknown can be particularly difficult.
Studies have found that how our social network responds to the news of infidelity deeply impacts how a person may respond. For example, research found that individuals who had friends and family who were less critical and more empathetic to the situation, were more inclined to forgive. On the other hand, a critical and judgmental social network resulted in blame and it negatively impacted the level of degree of forgiveness. What does this show us? Influence matters and our social network is a large part of influence.
UNHELPFUL AND UNSOLICITED ADVICE
We have all heard the old adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”. In spouting off this judgment, we are doing 3 things:
1. Believing that there is only 1 profile for a “cheater”;
2. Discounting an individual‘s ability for change; and
3. Polarizing anyone who is in a position to try and find out if they should rebuild, or leave, their relationship.
Belgian Psychotherapist, Ester Perel, speaks on the infidelity in her books “Mating in Captivity” and “The State of Affairs”. If you are looking to read up on this hot topic and diving into an intellectual conversation on the cultural differences and impacts of infidelity, give these books or her podcast a read (or listen).
The decision to stay or leave is truly a serious of processing. Every circumstance is different and how people respond is uniquely influenced by the current state of the relationship, the history of the relationship, and individual feelings.
If your relationship has experienced infidelity, a qualified relationship counsellor is there to help support your partnership. A counsellor will not tell you what to do, or pass judgment, but instead they will walk alongside your path and help guide the healing process.
