There are two mainstream movements when it comes to parenting and they have opposing views. In adult-centered parenting, parents make rules and set expectations and children are intended to follow them. In opposition, in child-centered parenting the parenting is organized around the child, rather than the parent. Your marriage will be affected depending what style of parenting you subscribe too because the allocation of our energy matters,
Communication
Many of the couples that I see in counselling list communication as a major concern. When we drill down further, the miscommunication, lack of communication, or ineffective communication, is actually a reflection of a lack of connection.
How does a lack of connection happen? It usually is the result of a low and steady drift in priorities and attention. For all of you that have young children, you have probably felt the pull of varying and sometimes competing needs. As kids grow, their schedules change and it can become increasingly difficult to find time to build connection,
Intimacy & Connection
Intimacy is founded on connection. When efforts are exhorted towards the kids more often than within the marriage, the result can be increasing distance. Opportunities for connecting with one another can be derailed when we limit the opportunities for building connection. For example, if family trips happen more often than couples vacation, there may be missed opportunities to build adult connection.
How do you know if you are in a child centered marriage? Answer the following questions:
Do you ever feel like you and your spouse do everything for your children, even when they are able?
Do you feel like the needs of your children dictate the course of your family?
Do you feel exhausted from being too busy or worn out with your child's activities?
Do you struggle to find time for date nights or can't remember the last time you and your spouse went on a date?
Do you miss out on opportunities (vacations, time spend together) due to your child's activities?
Have you lost any physical intimacy as a result of being tired, distracted or disengaged from your spouse?
Do you prefer to co-sleep with your children over sleeping with your spouse?
Do you feel like your needs are going unattended too because you or your spouse are busy fulfilling your child's needs?
If 3 or more answers were yes, it is likely that you are using a child-centered parenting style. Research actually shows that the most effective form of parenting is actually a blend of directive (parent-centered) and supportive (child-centered). Studies show that an interesting paradox happens when we only use a child-centered parenting technique in that it actually produces higher conflict over time, within the child and within the home.
Children need to be attended too but they also need to see YOU attending to yourself and your marriage. Think of it this way, your child will only be a child for 18 years. They will be an adult for the majority of their life. It is important that we model balance, healthy marriages, and good mental health.
Think of your family as a system, a large unit. Within that system are several subsystems (parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, marital relationship). Each one impacts the others. Research shows that a strong marital relationship is linked to warm and responsive parenting. In other words, improving your marriage improves your parenting! For those of you are skeptical of prioritizing your marriage over parenting, think of it this way: When the marriage is happy, it improves other relationships by enhancing positive mood, traits and behaviours. A conflict-filled or unattended marriage will drain a parent's energy and that impacts the energy they have to put towards their kids. When we model a healthy marriage, children will understand how to interact with loved ones.
Try to aim for balance! Take time to connect with your children, allow your children time to connect with one another, and seek time to connect with your spouse! We are all doing the best we can and it's never too late to make small changes!
