Over the past couple of years, friends and I have shared concerns for our children over cups of coffee and glasses of wine, over tears and laughter. It’s clear to me that the majority of us want to do what’s “right” for aloud children and that some of us love with a fear of “screwing them up”.
Common Concerns
Some of the common concerns I’ve heard repeated are:
•how do I foster independence in my child?
•how to raise a child on this tech driven world?
•how do I fit in with the anxiety lead parenting style that dominates society these days?
•when is helping not helping?
In our home, one of my biggest concerns was that we have had as parents lately has leaned towards enabling and not empowering. Small offerings like “I’ll get that for you” or packing our child’s schedule inadvertently created a child who had no idea where to find a snack and had extreme discomfort little with being “bored”.
My husband and I have spent a significant amount of time fostering kindness, gratitude and emotional regulation in our child…but we lost touch of some other important things: fostering independence, building initiative and encouraging creativity. I had a pivotal "Ah ha" moment as a parent. I asked myself, "was I the reason that our child lacked comfort in doing nothing? Had I inadvertently removed hurdles and now he was unable to problem solve?"
I looked to parents of adult children that I saw as well adjusted and successful (both in their interpersonal relationships as well as in their careers) to get their take and I heard the same response over and over: LET KIDS BE BORED! LET KIDS FIGURE IT OUT!
As a lover of observation and research, I looked to outside support and guidance as well. What were other parents doing that worked well to inspire independence, confidence and self efficacy?
WHAT DO OTHERS HAVE TO SAY?
Maye Musk provides incredible insight into her independent style of parenting her child (Elon Musk) in her book “a woman makes a plan”.
Ellen Blakely has spoken openly about her creative and “freedom to be bored” parenting style in regards to her daughter Sara, founder and CEO of Spanx.
Bill Gates has spoken about modelling hard work and perseverance to his children.
Venus and Serena Williams father suggests that an atmosphere of excellence is what fostered the drive in his daughters to have a continuous improvement mindset.
And so, taking a page from the parental experience of others, I am going to allow my child to problem solve, critical think, and be bored. I am going to do my best to take a step back so he can move forward.
Taking a step back does not mean that you are not there for your child. It is creating space for your child to grow! Growing includes not giving answers but instead searching for answers WITH your child.
Research shows that allowing your child to fail can actually be an important step in learning to build self confidence. Perseverance and practice teaches kids the value of hard work and the benefit of putting in effort.
Parenting is hard. There is not one right way to parent and it’s never too late to change course, review what is working (and celebrate it) and change what isn't (without judgment)!
Parenting is a journey and while we raise our kids, we too are growing as parents!
