I appreciate particular type-A personalities. I value them because contrary to just looking outwardly controlling of others, I know that there is a deep-seated discomfort within the unknown and attempts to make the world as they want it is really just a fear response within themselves. Therefore, whenever I identify someone as "controlling" I hold a significant amount of empathetic space and think to myself I get it.
As with any behaviour, it's important to check in with yourself and to ask yourself this simple but profound question: Does the benefit of this behaviour outweigh the cost of the behaviour? If the answer is yes, continue. If the answer is no, it's time to consider change.
THE ORIGIN OF CONTROL
Control, like other personality traits, occurs on a spectrum. We all have controlling tendencies within us. Control can provide a sense of stability, familiarity and safety. Control becomes an issue when it interferes with the rights and needs of others.
Control, at its core, is a response to fear. Individuals with higher levels of anxiety can be driven to find safety within their everyday life, therefore driving influence over small (and big) decisions throughout their daily life.
WHERE DOES CONTROL SHOW UP
Controlling behaviours can show up in any facet of our lives. Here are some examples of controlling behaviours, categorized by different types of relationships and contexts:
Romantic Relationships
Monitoring: Constantly checking your partner’s phone, emails, or social media accounts without consent.
Isolation: Limiting or discouraging your partner from spending time with friends or family.
Gaslighting: Manipulating your partner into questioning their own perceptions, memories, or sanity (e.g., denying something that clearly happened).
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Overreacting to innocent interactions with others, accusing your partner of cheating without cause, or restricting their social activities.
Decision-Making: Making all major decisions without consulting your partner, whether financial, social, or family-related.
Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love or affection, or even using guilt or fear to control the other person’s behaviour (e.g., "If you really loved me, you would do this").
Parent-Child Relationships
Overprotection: Controlling the child’s every move, not allowing them to make decisions or learn from their mistakes.
Excessive Criticism: Belittling or criticizing the child’s every action, making them feel incapable of making choices on their own.
Manipulating Affection: Withholding love or affection unless the child behaves in a certain way, leading to emotional dependency.
Controlling Career Choices: Dictating the child’s career path, hobbies, or interests instead of allowing them to explore their own passions.
Punishing Independence: Punishing a child for expressing their opinions or wanting more independence, making them feel guilty for growing up or wanting space.
Friendship
Demanding Constant Attention: Expecting your friend to prioritize you over other relationships, and making them feel guilty for spending time with others.
Manipulating Decisions: Pushing your friend to make choices you want, even if it goes against their wishes, and making them feel bad for disagreeing.
Using Guilt to Control Behavior: Forcing a friend to do something by making them feel like a bad person if they don’t (e.g., "If you were a real friend, you’d help me with this").
Withholding Support: Giving the silent treatment or withdrawing support when your friend doesn’t conform to your expectations or desires.
At Work
Micromanaging: Constantly overseeing every small detail of an employee's work, not allowing them autonomy or the opportunity to problem-solve independently.
Threatening Job Security: Using threats of firing or punishing someone as a way to manipulate them into complying with demands.
Publicly Undermining: Criticizing employees in front of others to control or intimidate them, making them feel afraid to speak up or challenge authority.
Excessive Demands: Pushing employees to work long hours without respect for their personal time, and using guilt or fear of job loss to control their behavior.
Favoritism: Giving preferential treatment to certain employees while manipulating or undermining others to create division and control.
Social Situations
Social Manipulation: Encouraging people to turn against one another or using rumours to control the group dynamics. Relational Aggression is often used with female teenagers.
Excluding or Shunning: Using exclusion as a way to control group behaviour, such as deliberately leaving someone out of social events or conversations to make them feel inferior.
Shaming: Making others feel ashamed of their opinions, appearance, or actions to manipulate how they behave in social settings.
Financial Control
Controlling Access to Money: Restricting access to finances or forcing someone to ask for money for every small purchase, even if they are financially independent.
Exploiting Dependency: Making someone feel financially dependent on you, and using this dependence to dictate their behaviour or limit their choices.
Using Money as Leverage: Using financial support as a way to manipulate or control someone’s actions or decisions (e.g., "I’ll only help you out if you do what I want").
THE COST OF CONTROL
There are various ways in which control can cost you more than its worth.
Demanding or desiring control can negatvely impact your relationships. Generally, people don't like to be controlled and that type of behaviour can strain a relationship. It limits the autonomy of others which limits perspective, which is hugely important.
It can actually end up costing your mental health but increasing anxiety and stress. Wanting to have things done in a certain way is a personal need and desire of your own and the rest of world didn't subscribe to doing things your way. Which means that for the majority of the time, you will be in uncontrolled situations with various outcomes. In those situations the cost of having unrealistic expectations, perfectionism tendencies and overthinking will inevitably cost you. There are chronic health issues that can also result from stress and emotional strain.
It's likely that a lack of flexibility and a fear of delegating with put you at a higher risk of missing out on opportunities and experiences. Control can push people to micromanage and not effective delegate which also puts them at risk for burnout. These types of behaviour can cost you a healthy work life balance.
The cost of control is stunted learning and personal growth as the desire to control can often leave you at a higher risk of maladaptive coping with uncertainty. Those with a desire to control often lack an ability to self reflect and can sit in vitcimhood when things don't do their way.
RELEASING THE NEED FOR CONTROL
If you are someone whose mantra of "I like things the way I like them" has slowly slipped into "things have to be my way to be happy"....it's time to consider change. Here is a list of small behaviours that can help you recover and move away from control and towards adaptabilty.
Practice Letting Go: Start small by allowing others to take control in certain areas or letting go of minor details that don’t need your attention.
Focus on Your Own Behavior: Instead of trying to control others, work on controlling your own reactions and responses to situations.
Mindfulness and Acceptance: Learning to accept that not everything can be controlled can help reduce anxiety and increase peace of mind.
Trust and Delegate: Trusting others with responsibilities and delegating tasks can relieve some of the pressure you might feel and allow for more collaboration.
As a fellow anxious person, I completly empathize with the lure of control. Call it particular, deeply preferences, specific....it all boils down to wanting the world to show up in a way that makes it feel understood and safe. However, the cost benefit analysis is something is always keep your eyes on. The cost may outweigh the benefit overtime.