One of the most talked about issues in counselling is relationships. Relationships with friends, co-workers, spouses and...FAMILY. Whether it be current challenges, looking for the origin of a problem, or how we connect with others, our family has a huge impact on who we are. Dr. Jody Carrington speaks about connection in her book Kids These Days (2018). She simply (and perfectly) explains that humans are hardwired for connection. This desire for connection is so important to us as humans that it makes sense that it would be at the top of our list for concerns.
Family Systems Theorists suggest that we cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of a larger family unit and the collective emotional unit. But family isn’t always easy and connections are sometimes difficult to create or maintain. The relationships that we have with our family are often complicated by many factors. Family is made up of several unique individuals with varying needs and personalities. Within the family structure, we all play a specific role and this is how we interact with one another.
Why does bad conflict happen to good people
To put it very simply, life happens. Overtime each individual within a family adds experience to their nature/nurture profile. Nature (our biology) and nurture (our environment) are not the all-or-nothing argument. We now know that experience impacts development as well. For example, an individual’s experience socially can help to shape a person’s values and personality. If they retained a childhood memory of a friend saving them a seat on the swings during lunch, they may interpret this as a long term value of inclusiveness. Within the family system, every individual develops their own personal needs as well as a need for the larger emotional family unit. What happens if needs aren’t met? Conflict.
Triggers for family conflict
As we grow up and leave the home we shared with our family (the nest), we begin the process of constructing our own life. For some this may include schooling, finding a job, securing a mate, creating a home (your own nest!). All of these wonderful milestones involve choices. How do we make choices? We are motivate by our personal needs and values (which as we learned earlier, are unique to us!). So while you are personally changed and entering new stages of life, your role within the family is also changing. Change is hard. We know that. Common triggers for inter-family relationship problems include (but are not limited too):
difference in opinions, values, beliefs or goals
financial issues
substance use/abuse
lack of respect/trust
change in family circumstance (divorce, marriage, births, blending families, etc.)
Hot topics
Perhaps one of the most common issue clients present in counselling is conflict with their In-law (more often the mother-in-law). The top concerns I hear regarding in-law trouble are perceived judgment and varying ideas regarding parenting styles. This can include everything from decisions on whether to have children to specific discipline styles. There can be some generational (or cultural) differences in the beliefs surrounding gender roles within the home as well. There can simply be personality clashes which can make for challenging communication.
Interpersonal conflict between siblings is another branch of the old family conflict tree. Sibling conflict often arises from rivalries (envy and competition) and differing interpretations of childhood (parents favoring one child over another). I have actually sat in session and have heard two siblings describe the same event with two completely different versions and outcomes! It happens. The meaning we derive from our experiences help to inform memory, which in turn imprint on our personalities. It then becomes less about what specifically happened, and more how we felt in those moments.
MY FAMILY DOESN'T YELL AT EACH OTHER, SO WE ARE GOOD
Every family has its own unique style for dealing with dysfunction and conflict. Some families experience frequent or consistent arguing. Another familiar style is avoidance and a complete breakdown in communication. Some families use physical ways of expressing conflict. The goal of conflict management is to not to remove all conflict, but to rather find constructive ways to work through conflict. Sometimes there is no immediate or direct solution to family drama.
Conflict, if left unresolved for a period of time, can do long term damage to the family unit. Finding a successful coping strategy is critical in times like these. I recommend that anyone who is struggling to cope with conflict, find a Counsellor and take the time to process your feelings and find constructive ways to cope. Don't wait until the entire family agrees to Counselling or can schedule in the time. If delaying and avoidance are common coping strategies in your family, you may be waiting forever! Prioritize YOUR mental health and book in for an individual session.
INEFFECTIVE COPING
There are several ways that people cope with repetitive dysfunctional family patterns. At first glance, possibly the easiest solution is to stop being around the person. Kick them out of your life (emotionally and physically) and let their punishment be their alienation! But cutting family members off has an effect on your mental health as well...Avoidance may mean that you choose not to attend family functions. Simple right? Well not quite. While you might be willing to trade in conflict for peace, it’s not that easy. Removing yourself from exposure can possibly lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness and eventually leave you feeling withdrawn. This tactic can also be difficult to execute when there are complications (such as children). This solution does not provide long term resolve.
Another attractive coping technique may include fighting back. Using your emotionally charged words to cut deeply into the person who wronged you. Fighting back can feel good in the moment but engaging in conflict over time can be exhausting. Prolonged exposed to conflict can increase the risk of developing or maintaining depressive or anxious symptoms. Stress can create a lack of concentration as well as a change in personal motivation or interests. While fighting the good fight, you may also find that your behaviors become something that are not aligned with your personal beliefs. Slinging hateful words can make you feel remorseful and full of regret. Ultimately, you cannot change the behaviors of others so all that energy and time will eventually be wasted.
The last coping technique can be very attractive to those who claim to take “the high road”. It is often given as advice from others and rarely helpful: “Just don’t let it bother you”. How can you let something that hurts you not have an impact? Well, if someone figures out a way to not care about something that we are internally and biologically created to care about, let me know! They are referring to getting to a place of acceptance, which is nice. But to simply pretend an emotionally destructive situation isn’t happening? Well that seems ridiculous.
EFFECTIVE COPING
Effective coping strategies include acknowledging the conflict and looking for opportunities for change. A first step can be anticipating your personal triggers. The more easily you can identify a likely issue, the better equipped you will be to plan a response (as opposed to an unexpected reaction). If there is a hot topic that you know will be raised, prepare yourself with a rehearsed response.
A second strategy includes building a buffer in advance. If you know that there is a family birthday on a Saturday afternoon, consider spending Saturday morning with friends and planning a fun event for the evening. The buffer can include anything that provides relief from stress. It can help those ugly clouds of conflict drift by quickly so that you can return to sunny skies!
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy suggests that by maintaining unhelpful thought patterns, we are essentially repeatedly interpreting a situation as opposed to actually considering the situation for what it is. All or Nothing thinking is a way of interpreting a situation as either good or bad. This black or white thinking doesn’t leave a lot of room for grace or change. Being aware of when you use this type of thinking is the first step to breaking the cycle.
Family drama or conflict often has deep roots. It never ceases to amaze me how long some people knowingly or unknowingly keep skeletons in their closet. If the goal is peace, then you can’t take the past with you. Interpret each action in isolation. This technique allows you to experience each moment for what it is.
Thinking of Family Conflict differently
Peg Streep discuses family conflict in the article ‘When you know you had a toxic parent, but siblings disagree: Who’s right about mom and dad (A closer look at family dysfunction)’. Streep (2018) suggests that instead of seeing yourself as a scapegoat, or the family black sheep, instead consider the sickness of the herd itself. I love this. Again, from the family perspective, family conflict is really the sum of all parts. In consideration of this, the first step for managing family conflict comes from the things you can control and change: yourself and your relationship with your family members. Take time to be honest and truly evaluate your role in the family conflict. Is there an opportunity for you to change your style of conflict resolution? Maybe your avoidant style isn’t helping to effectively communicate and identify the issue? Maybe simply raising your voice isn’t an effective way of being heard?
Look for opportunities for change. Reach out and seek help. A Counsellor is an unbiased third party that is able to offer perspective. Find a Counsellor that is familiar with family systems and can help build a genogram. Understanding your family and the roles they play in relation to one another can help to identify opportunities for understanding a breakdown in connection.
