We are have all heard the term "Disneyland dad". But have you heard the term "Disneyland mom"? Statistics are showing that woman are slowly bridging the financial gap that used to exist within the single mom/single dad spectrum. But what does that mean for kids? Similar experiences between the homes! Which is a good thing.
Increased access to finances can sometimes mean increased access to resources and opportunities. As a result, we are seeing a trend wherein kids are enrolled in more activities, taking more vacations, and participating in more events. In other words, where kids used to be busy with a jammed packed schedule when they saw their one parent (every other weekend), they are now living a very busy reality juggling various experiences between the two homes.
Divorce guilt is real
Divorce guilt can sometimes lead down a path of never wanting to refuse your child an experience. I understand this completely. They have missed a whole week in their life with you. You miss them and the people they love missed them! It's exciting when they walk back in the door...but you have a clock that starts to tick the minute you pick them up. If your life with your child is limited to half time, of course you are going to want to jam pack the time you have. It natural...but it can be exhausting.
As co-parents, we have time to recharge our batteries in between the custody schedule. We have child free days to take on self care, move work schedules, and reconnect with friends. Children with shared homes don't have the same opportunity. They go from home to home, picking up where they left off ...or sometimes walking into a very different situation. Imagine how difficult that must be, even if the situation is positive!
This became a reality for our shared home years ago. My husband and I started to notice how exhausted our son was. He would fall asleep in the car ride between the homes (at 6pm)! He would request to not go anywhere on transition day (he just wanted to "chill"). It then moved from transition day, to simply asking if we could "do nothing all week". We soon realized that between the two homes we was attending every single movie, festival, family event, vacation, and extra curricular activity (sometimes twice)! One disastrous summer our 4 year old was getting off a plane in the morning and getting into a car for a 8 hour road trip in the afternoon. In short, he was being burnt out!
Overtime my husband and I have gotten better with caring for and protecting our son's energy. We have changed our schedule with the belief that "less is more". As a result, our son is happier and healthier. Sometimes it means saying no to opportunities that we really know he would enjoy, or we would enjoy together, but it's important that we build in self care for our son within our home.
TIPS TO HELP PREVENT CHILDREN FROM DEVELOPING OR CONTINUING SHARED HOME BURNOUT
Communicate. We all value privacy, however it is helpful to communicate what your child's schedule looks like in the other home. Be open to discussing any big or ongoing plans for your child, with your co-parent. I suggest doing this seasonal and specifically with spring break, summer break, and winter break!
Empathize. Understand (together) what your child's schedule looks like from your child's perspective and be willing to make changes. This is particularly important during the summer when bedtimes may change and the opportunities to attend vacations, camps, or special events is more likely to occur.
Chill on transition days. Give your child time to settle into your home.
Less is more. Consider limiting the amount of commitments you have planned for your child overall. One activity a seasion is more than enough if you consider that your child has 2 different neighbourhoods, 2 different sets of friends, and 2 different families that are wanting to connect.
Build in time for you child's self care. Schedule in down time and be willing to be flexible with changing plans. It's ok if the other parent takes them to the fair, the movie, or the concert..or if they don't attend at all!
Pay attention to your own energy. Chances are if you are exhausted when your child leaves, your child is also exhausted!
