We have all done it. In the heat of the moment, we have shared details of our private lives with friends, family or even co-workers in an effort to vent or seek validation. When we share our private issues, specifically those regarding our relationships, we open ourselves to unsolicited advice and the likelihood that over time we contribute to or create a negative image of our partners or our relationships.
It's common to seek support outside of your romantic relationship, but it is important to recognize that sharing (or oversharing) can actually hurt your romantic relationship.
Things to consider
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
Not everyone is emotionally mature enough to receive information without holding grudges or *gasp* getting themselves involved. Family members and friends are more likely to "pick sides" and long after you and your partner have repaired or resolved, family and friends may not be over it. This makes sense, they weren't there for the repair and the repair details aren't often the ones we choose to share. Your family and friends will most likely validate you, but is that going to help long term?
NEGATIVE IMPRESSIONS
The over-sharing of non-flattering details or skewed information can contribute to a negative impression of your partner or your relationship as a whole. If you choose to confide in family and friends over and over, it can create a pretty dark narrative of your relationship. Once information is shared, it cannot be unshared. It is likely that once friends or family have heard you complaining over and over, their interest in the issue or the relationship itself may dissolve.
A BREACH OF TRUST
A strength of a relationship is being sensitive to your partner's needs. Sharing details of an unflattering reaction or situation can really hurt or shame your partner. Relationships come with some expectation of privacy and sharing details may just embarrass your partner and impact their comfort in being around your friends and family members going forward.
Topics you don't need to share
There are some specific topics that may be more sensitive to share with others. Those topics may include finances, intimacy and sexual details, your partner's mental health, your partner's past (including trauma), and other topics that you may previously agreed to keep private. If you aren't sure about what is appropriate or inappropriate to share, have a conversation with your partner regarding clarity.
What to do instead
Determine if you have the correct audience. The honest conversations that we have with our family members or friends regarding our relationships are often conversations that we ought to be having with our partners.
Change how you talk about your challenges. Focus on your feelings more than your partner's actions. Try to avoid details if possible and be cognizant of the boundaries of your relationship. Try not to use blame.
Determine what it is that you are seeking and ask yourself "Is this the right conversation to be having at this time and is the right person to be having it with?" If the goal is to seek advice, be aware of who you are asking advice from. Counselling professionals are a great option as there are confidentiality clauses and educational training and background to help with effective interventions.
Using a cooling-off period can help to provide clarity. Take space to sort your feelings before you canvas the feelings of others. Journalling is a great way to explore your feelings.
