Co-sleeping has long been a hot topic. There are those that believe firmly in co-sleeping, and others who do not. Regardless of your personal feelings on the matter, there are considerations to explore when divorce becomes part of the equation. Many parents participate in versions of co-sleeping when a child is very young (under a year), but by age 2-4, it is encouraged that children have learned to be alone and fall asleep in their own bed.
The case of two homes
Children living in two homes are expected to adjust to the variations of rules, expectations and schedules within those homes. Research shows that the ability to keep set standards between the two homes can be incredibly helpful for children. Standards can include bed time, meal time, play time, etc. Disruptions or wide variations can be difficult for children to understand and changes to sleep schedules can be incredibly frustrating to co-parent.
Some parents find it challenging to accept the two-home structure. A common result is an increase in insecure responses. For some, that means starting to co-sleep or encouraging co-sleeping post sleep training. Co-sleeping with an older child often starts off with well meaning one-off situations and gladly develops to a set standard. This can be incredibly disruptive and limiting to the child's ability to learn to self soothe and sleep independently. This is particularly challenging with a two home structure where sleep training has been in place for years and is now derailed. Remember, your child's experience is fluid between the two homes: behaviour in one home, will impact their behaviour in the other.
CHILDREN CLIMBING INTO YOUR BED?
Dr. Kate Roberts explains that while the intent behind co-sleeping is usually founded in helping children self soothe, the practice in itself can be harmful long term. Research shows that children today are less self-resilient. Many preteen children don't have the skills to be alone at bedtime, and the bandaid repair is parents assuming children will grow out of it and allowing children to sleep with them. The goal is to empower children to learn to self soothe, put themselves to bed, and to be comfortable in those minutes before falling asleep on their own.
ARE YOU CLIMBING INTO YOUR CHILD'S BED?
Divorce can create a sense of insecurity which can prompt an increase in anxiety. The transition from living in a home full time with your children to part time, or variations of time, can form attachment insecurity. It is important that you, as the parent, acknowledge and work through your own anxiety and feelings. Expecting or asking your children to make you feel better or soothe your big feelings is not ok. This behaviour can actually aggravate anxious behaviour. An important question to ask yourself is "whose needs are being met?" It is not healthy or a positive event for a child at any age to co-sleep with their parents because mom or dad is sad and/or lonely.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOUR CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT?
Stunting a child's ability to sleep on their own, or limiting your child's ability to create self soothing behaviours, can have lasting impacts that are limiting to their childhood experiences (unable to attend sleepovers, struggle with overnight trips, struggle to move between the two homes). Instead of allowing children to manage their fears, co-sleeping associates escaping fears which delays them for development self soothing behaviours of their own. Lower self esteem, dependency behaviours, memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression and obesity are all associated with chronic co-sleeping for older children.
What does this mean for the family?
As you can imagine, co-sleeping has an impact on the larger family. It can be harmful to the physiological and pathological wellbeing of adults who are struggling to have a full night of rest. It can be negatively impactful the intimacy of new adult relationships as well.
IF YOUR CHILD IS EXHIBITING ANXIETY AT BEDTIME, HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES TO HELP!
Communicate and set expectations
Follow a sleep schedule and routine
Be consistent in how your approach co-sleeping. Walk your child back to their bed and tuck them in as opposed to pulling them into your bed. This avoids mixed messages and confusion
Work on building your self esteem and your child's self esteem during the daytime and allow bedtime to just be for rest.
Understand any personal bias that may be creating insecurity and fostering co-dependant behaviours
Recognize and work on your child's needs during the daytime, allowing them to build confidence to sleep alone at night
