THIS IS PART 1 OF A 2 PART BLOG THAT DISCUSSES THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN EXIST BETWEEN A STEPMOM AND A BIOMOM
Clients often ask my thoughts on being a stepmom. What's the hardest part? Do I like it? Sometimes they just met someone and he has children of his own, and they want to know the ins and outs before they jump in. Most days I think step-parenting is awesome. I get to have this wonderful parental experience with the opportunity for built in breaks wherein I get to have a pretty great time with just my husband.
Other times when people ask, I want to blurt out "well it depends, do you like being run over?” No, not really, but sort of. Some days involve a lot of take and very little give. But I think that may be parenting in general sometimes.
I have a huge amount of respect for the mom role and for every type of mom out there. I love biological moms, stepmoms, adoptive moms, grandma turned mom, foster moms, animal moms, mom's without children and every mom with. I just feel like there is a reason we all exist and a purpose for every one of us. There is space at the table and kids are not limited in their capacity to love. But sharing sucks and sometimes it's hard to make space at the table for the guest you didn't invite. And I get that.
Let me start off by saying that every situation is different. Relationships are formed with individuals based on personalities, interests and exposure. So while some families blend and co-parent well off the start, others have a longer trial and error period. There are even some families that start of great and have a rocky middle. It is important to remember that your relationship with the biological mom will be impacted and sometimes lead by the relationship she has with her ex (your current partner). It's very possible that lingering feelings regarding the divorce will paint the picture of your relationship. It's a strange world..this step parenting world. In no other realm would you have forced and intimate exposure to people with varying personalities and interests...and then be expected to all get along!
Perhaps the most popular question I get from clients is "what is your relationship like with your kiddo's biological mom?". I think there is the expectation that a Counselling professional should have it all worked out, but I'm human. Challenges don't magically disappear and I cannot control others. The tough times have definitely made me a more empathetic person and it has helped me to relate to my clients in a way that I couldn't before (bio moms and stepmoms alike). Friendships and relationships take two willing participants and if someone is not there emotionally, you can't force them. "Meet them where they are at" is advice that I give my clients who are trying to co-parent, and it is advice that I myself take every single day.
I have several friends who are bio moms and I have a handful of stepmom friends too. We talk about the challenges we experience and a common theme that exists from both parties is the frustration that results from unmet expectations and the level of discomfort that exists with the roles we play. For instance, the identifying name of 'bio mom" is hurtful and frustrating to some and I can assure you that "Stepmom" culture of shaming is alive and well.
When different parenting styles happen in a marriage, it can be frustrating. Now imagine having 2, 3, and even 4 parents divided into 2 separate households with varying parenting styles! The math does not add up. No wonder there is frustration, confusion and stress in even the best of circumstances. And that's where I would like to start with today...Empathy.
Here is my advice for stepmoms on how to navigate a rocky relationship with the bio mom:
Empathy
2 homes is rarely ideal. The road to the 2 home structure often involves a separation and/or divorce which also comes with its unique set of emotional baggage. Some bio moms advocated for it, some bio moms fought it, and some stay in denial about it for a long time. The reality is that most bio moms start out as just mom; a title that is sacred and earned. Some moms carried that child inside of them and formed a unique bond with their little and the thought of sharing that precious title with someone else (even with a prefix)...is devastating. Whether you are a biological mom yourself, or someone who is a first time mom by stepmom privilege, it is important to honour and recognize the origin of this awesome child.
I use empathy everyday by reminding myself that some bio moms are living a reality that they didn't choose and some fight against that reality every day. I do my best to honour my child's bio mom in little ways. We call her "mom" in our home and "Ry's mom" when we are in public ( as opposed to 'my husband's ex'). I take our little guy shopping for a Christmas present for her every year. When we bake or do crafts, I offer up the suggestion of making one for mom or taking some of his baking home to her. I remind myself that in those 9 months that she carried him inside of her, she never once imagined that someone else would be kissing him goodnight half the time. I show curiosity and care for her story and I try to check my judgment and biases. I think of myself as an extra in my child's life. I am an extra set of hands, and extra set of parental eyes and an extra person to keep him safe. I do my best and I show self-compassion when I feel like I fall short.
Radical Acceptance
Bio mom can't manage to say "hi" back? Fine. Bio mom tries to control your relationship with the little? Ok. Bio mom negatively gossips about you? Not ideal, but I'm moving on! Radial acceptance to the rescue! Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life's terms and not resisting what you cannot, or choose not, to change. There is a scene in the Emperor's New Groove (watch it, it's cute!) where the character is stuck in a tree trunk that is headed for danger: "let me guess..a huge waterfall...sharp rocks at the bottom...bring it on...". Well that my friends is radical acceptance. It is a shift in thinking and a way to preserve and protect your energy.
I found radical acceptance about 3 years into step parenting. I remember my therapist saying "people create the narrative they need" and then she reminded me that while someone may need you to be the place for negativity or blame in their story, I could choose what I wanted for my narrative. She encouraged me to focus on the things I could control (my behaviour) and to accept my reality: the relationship would always be a struggle. It's important to note that accepting doesn't mean agreeing. I so badly wanted to give our child the opportunity to share his two lives, but I accept that everyone has to buy in and some people don't want what I'm selling. Radical acceptance has freed me from anger and it has brought me joy. Is some of the behaviour disappointing, yes of course. But do I carry with me? No.
There is no excuse for maltreatment or disrespectful behaviour. It is never ok to be treated poorly, bullied or to be the victim of abuse. If these behaviours are happening to you, find supports. Find a counsellor to talk too, find a lawyer to advocate for your rights, a co-parenting expert to help facilitate conversations and change. Accepting that hurt people, hurt people is one thing. Agreeing with it and putting yourself in a position to get hurt isn't ok.
Boundaries
If you feel like the topic of boundaries seems to weasel its way into almost every blog, you may be right. They are that important. They are the foundation of any healthy relationship. There is a common saying about step parenting: it's not easy to know where the boundary is in stepfamilies, but you will know immediately if it's been crossed! Boundaries enable co-parents and stepparents to keep a healthy level of understanding and cooperation. When there are multiple people involved in raising kids, it makes sense that there are many opportunities to get hurt or be misunderstood. Communication is a HUGE part of boundary formation. Setting realistic boundaries and respectfully communicating them is the first step. You cannot expect others to know your needs.
It is important that we create realistic boundaries. When we tell others how to behave or have unrealistic expectations, you are almost certainly going to end up feeling frustrated, hurt, and maybe even angry. Boundaries are not meant to control the behaviour of others. They are meant to aid cooperation and understanding. Common boundaries in step families include: no bad mouthing the other parents, respecting the other households scheduled custody time, communicating changes or concerns in a respectful way and within a respectful timeline. As mentioned earlier, you may not realize your boundaries (or others) until they have been crossed. When this happens (and it will happen), approach the conversation with love, empathy and a desire to move forward. You are the only person responsible for your feelings and emotions. You cannot make anyone else feel a certain way. If feelings are constantly being hurt, it may be time to review your emotional space. Counselling is a great place to discuss those hard feelings..the kitchen table is not.
Friendly not friends
I remember the day my kiddo called me nice. I asked him why he thought I was nice and he said "because you always say hi to my mom, even if she doesn't say hi back. I like that you do that". It was in that moment that I realized how important it was to my little that I be friendly to his mom. Friendly is the not the same as friends. There is nothing wrong with being friends. If both parties are up for it, great! I know that my kiddo would love nothing more than to have his parents all in the same room at the same time. I see that look on his face when we all show up for an event and it breaks my heart that I can't give that to him on the daily.
I believe it is important to stay friendly, even when it's not reciprocated. Saying "hi", waving, offering to scoot down the bench so the other has room to sit, saving a seat, saying "thank you" when you've helped move around a scheduling concern...these are all ways to be friendly without being friends. It doesn't take a lot but the kids do see these behaviours and maybe they won't vocalize at the time, but they will always appreciate the respect that you showed their mom. Don't give more than what you are willing and able. You don't need to over do it and you don't need to exhaust yourself looking for approval or kindness in return. Just do what is authentic to who you are.
Build your village
Surround yourself with support. Find a wonderful collaboration of women and mother's that are in different roles Get different perspectives. Listen to you bio mom friends and ask for advice. Fill your life with authentic friendships and let those people fill your bucket. Don't isolate yourself or shy away from being who you are and showing up for your child.
Expect Nothing and appreciate everything
Accept and appreciate the small things. I have a friend who is a stepmom and we were at a hockey game together. Her stepson's bio mom ignored her as she walked passed. My friend wasn't even phased. I asked her if that was ok? "Oh yeah, last year she spit at me and the year before she told everyone on the team that I stole her husband, so this is ok". I stood there shocked. How was my friend ok with being treated like this? But that's the thing. My friend expects nothing and appreciates every small kindness. At this point, ignoring behaviours are kind. Physical aggression and bulling are never ok, and those behaviours were dealt with and now there is better relationship. Although it is still not the entirely amicable. When we lower our expectations we are better able to have gratitude for little things, which is where she is at.
Look for small movements towards kindness and appreciate the heck out of those gestures. Maybe it's agreeing to move the schedule around to accommodate a family event? Maybe it's offering to run a forgotten lunch to school for you? Either way, small gestures are worth noticing. A practice in gratitude helps to be mindful of these moments and appreciative.
Grace
Give yourself the gift of Grace. It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to forgive yourself for moments when you reacted instead of responded. It's ok to change and evolve. Conflict is exhausting and effort is filled with error. You may not always get it right the first time. It's ok to forgive someone and to accept the apology you never received. Sometimes someone's hurt is externalized to blame others. That does not mean that it is your burden to carry. Be patient with your bio mom. Use empathy, radical acceptance, and boundaries. Be authentic to who you are and friendly and respectful in your interruptions. Recognize the small things and the good. Know that most fires slowly burn out after they have exhausted the available oxygen. DO NOT BE THEIR OXYGEN.
At the end of the day, your mental health impacts your family. Step parenting can be amazingly rewarding, but there are everyday hurdles. Communicate with your partner. Determine what will work best for your family. This article focused on the stepmom/bio mom relationship, but there are many relationships that will influence your step parenting. Couples counselling is a great way to build a strong foundation for your relationship, which will help in the face of external adversity. Individual counselling can be incredibly helpful when sorting through feelings and learning conflict resolution skills. Family therapy is a great resource for willing parents to discuss co-parenting challenges.
