There are various reasons why couples counselling may not work sometimes. Some of the common reasons may include a lack of commitment from one or both partners, unrealistic expectations, unresolved underlying issues, poor communication, and a reluctance to change. Additionally, if one or both partners are not fully invested in the counselling process, it can hinder the effectiveness of the therapy. Both partners need to be open, honest, and willing to work together to achieve positive outcomes in couples counselling.
Counselling requires a dedicated amount of time to work on the problems intentionally. A challenge of couples counselling is when one (or both) individuals are ambivalent or disinterested in committing to counselling. Abilivlence is anything less than a concentrated effort. Traction is needed to create and keep the motivation to work on the relationship. When apathy is present, I usually do not recommend continuing couples counselling.
A common reason for ambivalence is frustration. Most long-term couples attend counselling YEARS AFTER there have been established maladaptive patterns or issues. In some situations, counselling is too late and apathy has set in or they simply don't believe that others can change. It is possible for one member to have already checked out and are consciously or subconsciously planning to exit the relationship. In these circumstances, couples counselling may not be successful.
It is VERY common in session to have one member of the couple who is more eager than the other. That is ok. As long as both parties are interested in working on the relationship, couples counselling can still be an effective way to grow connection and build communication.
LEANING IN OR LEANING OUT
As a couples counsellor, part of my challenge is to determine very early on the level of commitment and interest in couples counselling. This is a critical step because it helps determine a course of counselling and an appropriate plan. BOTH members of the couple must lean into the experience for it to be successful.
Signs that someone is leaning OUT of counselling
Clients find it difficult to schedule sessions. They prioritize other events (kids activities, work, etc) and there isn't a lot of interest or energy in couples counselling.
They are resistant to counselling in general and are dismissive of the idea that it can help.
Progress and attendance stall out and as a result, clients are coming into session in a place of continual crisis.
They may be unwilling to take responsibility and desire to only place blame on their partner.
Clients schedule sessions reactively and not on a continually set schedule.
In session, they bring up and entertain ending the relationship more often than working on it.
Someone expresses a lack of interest through nonverbal cues (on their phone, rolling eyes, restrictive body language.
Signs that someone is leaning INTO counselling
They commit to the process and proactively schedule appointments.
They show up interested in learning and working on the relationship.
They remain curious and have a desire to make the relationship work.
They participate in the session.
They are willing to listen to their partner.
APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS
There is no quick fix to a long problem. Like other health concerns, early diagnosis and treatment are most effective. It may not be realistic to think 2 sessions are going to fix all your problems. Having said that, when two participants lean into the experience, the work tends to flow and change may happen quickly.
