The holidays can be stressful. Adding a custody schedule, event dates that are out of your control, and big feelings can add to stress. The goal is for EVERYONE to have a good holiday season and to RESPECT the people who love and care for your children. If these are not your goals, then there is a good chance that your holiday season will see an uptick in conflict and a reduction in collaborative co-parenting in the new year.
WHAT COMPLICATES THE HOLIDAYS?
First and foremost, expectations. Second is a lack of empathy. Third is a sense of entitlement. Those three are truly the trifecta for a miserable holiday season wrought with conflict and hurt feelings.
Reduce Expectations
If you are in a shared home and believe that your holiday season is going to not be affected by a shared parenting situation...think again. Truth is, the long term vets of shared parenting have probably learned this lesson and do their best to limit scheduling and to try to only schedule within their allotted time...but things happen. Specifically during the holidays. It's important to keep space for change!
HOW TO MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
Have a conversation with your shared parent and details a few things that would be beneficial for your co-parent to know ahead of time (out of town family coming in, events you are interested in attending, special dates, etc.).
Understand that the holidays are busy and it may not be reasonable to participate in everything that interests you.
Be reasonable with what you want from the holidays and focus on feelings. If you want family moments together, schedule in days to do nothing at home together.
HARD TRUTH... Expectations keep us cemented and unable to pivot!
Revive Empathy
Empathy, or a lack of, can set the course of coparenting. When empathy is present, we take the time to put ourselves in the shoes of others. We ask questions like "what does that look like for the other home in this scenario". If you cannot understand the feelings of others, then try to be sensitive to the feelings of others. When it comes to empathy, negative multiples negative and positive multiplies positive. If empathizing with your co-parent is difficult, consider focusing empathy on the experiences of your children.
HOW TO EXERCISE EMPATHY
If your co-parent asks for a schedule change due to events (flight times of family members, special events, etc.) be considerate.
Be mindful of tone and word choice in your communication.
Put yourself in the shoes of your co-parent and the shoes of your children.
HARD TRUTH...The use of empathy greatly increases the opportunity for a positive outcome.
Remove Entitlement
If you are in a shared home and feel that your holiday traditions, time with family and participation in events shouldn't have to change...there is a good chance you are living with an entitled perspective. Entitlement is the belief that a person in inherently deserving of a privilege. What happens when an entitled person enters a shared parenting situation is that they don't believe that it is their job to be accommodating, considerate, or even care about others. Entitlement in shared parenting often looks like a general lack of consideration.
What happens when we have an entitled attitude is we remove the opportunity to be creative and flexible. Effective holiday planning between 2 homes requires that we remain considerate of the needs of others, including the children and their co-parents.
HOW TO REMOVE ENTITLEMENT
Avoid tit-for-tat decision making.
Be aware of how often you use "it's my right" logic as opposed to child focussed logic.
Follow the golden rule and acknowledge that the rules DO apply to you.
Exercise gratitude for your co-parent.
HARD TRUTH...Your needs do not come before the needs of others...including your kids.
