Building resilient children is about helping them develop the emotional and mental strength to handle challenges, setbacks, and uncertainties in life. Resilience doesn't mean shielding them from adversity, but rather teaching them how to cope with it in healthy and effective ways.
Adult parents often attend therapy looking for ways to help usher adult children into adulthood. The "failure to launch" phenomenon refers to a situation where young adults, typically in their late teens to mid-20s, struggle to transition into independent living and adulthood. They remain dependent on their parents, living at home, or fail to achieve the milestones typically associated with adulthood, such as gaining employment, developing meaningful relationships, or becoming financially independent. This phenomenon can be frustrating for both the young adults involved and their parents.
There are various reasons why a failure to launch may happen, and building resilient children can help safeguard against some of them!
Here are key strategies to help foster resilience in children:
MODEL RESILIENCE
- Lead by example: Children learn a lot by observing adults, especially their parents or caregivers. Demonstrate resilience in your own life by managing stress, handling disappointments, and maintaining a positive attitude during tough times. Having a problem solving mentality over a problem talking mentality makes all the difference.
- Express emotional awareness: Show your children that it's okay to feel frustrated, sad, or angry. What matters is how you deal with those emotions. Talk about how you cope with challenges and bounce back. LET YOUR KIDS SEE YOU STRUGGLE and let them see you overcome adversity!
FOSTER EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
- Help them identify and label emotions: Teach your child how to recognize and name their feelings, whether it's happiness, sadness, anger, or fear. This makes it easier for them to express themselves and understand their emotional responses. If your child is most comfortable labelling emotions with the same 5 emotions, consider getting a feelings wheel and printing it out. Often kids don't realize how vast their emotions are. Anger is often a cover for rejection, embarassment, hurt and disappointment.
- Teach emotional regulation: Guide your child on how to manage their emotions. Simple techniques like deep breathing, taking a break, or engaging in physical activity can help them calm down when they're upset.
ENCOURAGE PROBLEM SOLVING
- Teach them to approach problems methodically: Instead of solving problems for them, ask guiding questions like "What do you think we can do about this?" or "What would happen if we tried this?" This helps them develop critical thinking and self-confidence in their ability to overcome obstacles. The ability to think through a problem is an important step to critical thinking.
- Normalize failure as a learning opportunity: Reassure them that mistakes are a part of life. Emphasize the importance of trying again, and model how to learn from mistakes and adjust your approach. When mistakes are reframed as lessons, it can help to reduce feelings of shame.
PROVIDE A SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT
- Be present and available: Provide a safe, supportive environment where your child knows they can talk about anything. Being emotionally available helps children feel secure and capable of navigating tough situations. Allowing your kids to experience therapy at a young age can noramllize the experiene of reaching out for supports and can help to normalize the experience!
- Encourage strong relationships: Help your child build positive relationships with friends, family, and mentors. Strong social support is a critical factor in building resilience. At an elementary age, parents are deeply influencial however by junior high, their FRIENDS and their FRIENDS PARENTS are who are deeply impactful so it's important to know who your child is spending time with and what morals/values/beliefs are being modelled outside of your home.
SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
- Encourage effort over perfection: Reinforce that effort, persistence, and progress are more important than achieving perfection. Set realistic goals that challenge your child without overwhelming them, and celebrate small victories. Practice doesn't make perfect...it makes great!
- Teach realistic optimism: Help your child see the silver lining in challenging situations. This isn't about sugarcoating things, but about cultivating a balanced view that there are both challenges and opportunities in every difficulty.
TEACH AUTONOMY AND INDEPENDENCE
- Let them face challenges on their own: While you should provide guidance, allow your child to handle age-appropriate challenges independently. This helps them develop confidence in their own abilities. It is so easy to tell them where their lost water bottle is or where to look for it, but consider letting them use their own problem solving to fix the problem. I like to do the method of 3. I ask my child to tell me 3 ways in which they tried to problem solve the situation PRIOR to asking me for help.
- Give them choices: When appropriate, allow your child to make decisions and face the consequences. This fosters a sense of responsibility and control over their environment, both of which are key components of resilience. As my wonderful father said, give choice where there is choice and don't give it if there isn't a choice to be had. Some of my frustration as an early parent came from times when there wasn't choice but I still offered some hoping my kiddo would make the right decision.
PROMOTE A GROWTH MINDSET
- Praise effort, not just success: Encourage a mindset that values persistence and learning. Praise your child's efforts and strategies rather than focusing solely on outcomes. This teaches them that abilities and intelligence grow through hard work and dedication. The process of attending practice helps to build confidence for the game and so the focus on learning helps take the pressure off.
- Normalize challenges and setbacks: Remind your child that everyone faces obstacles and that setbacks are temporary. What's important is how they respond, and that they can always try again. Talk about times when it took you multiple attempts. Normalize the expeirence of working at something and not always getting it on the first try.
TEACH COPING SKILLS
- Stress-reduction techniques: Help your child learn techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, or journaling to deal with stress. These skills can help them manage their emotions in the face of adversity.
- Physical activity: Encourage regular physical exercise. Physical activity is known to improve mood, build self-esteem, and release stress.
BUILD A STRONG SENSE OF BELONGING
- Encourage involvement in activities: Whether it's sports, music, or a club, extracurricular activities help children build a sense of accomplishment and belonging outside the home. These experiences can help them develop resilience through teamwork and personal growth.
- Foster a sense of community: Teach your child the importance of supporting others and being part of a larger community. Resilient people tend to have strong social connections, and teaching them empathy and kindness can foster these bonds. Community engagement through volunteer opportunities is a great way to foster a sense of belonging and building a larger village.
CULTIVATE A DEEP SENSE OF PURPOSE
- Help them find meaning: Engage your child in activities or causes that they care about. Whether it's helping others or pursuing a passion, having a sense of purpose can provide a strong foundation for resilience when times are tough.
- Encourage optimism and hope: Help them understand that difficulties are temporary and that they have the ability to create a positive future for themselves. Fostering hope is key to resilience.
ENCOURAGE RISK TAKING (IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT)
- Support age-appropriate risks: Let your child take risks that are within their ability to handle. This could be something like trying out for a team, speaking in front of a group, or navigating a social situation. Risk-taking in a supportive environment builds confidence and resilience.
- Teach them to take safe risks: Guide your child in making thoughtful decisions about risks. This teaches them to evaluate situations and make choices that align with their values and abilities.
LIMIT OVER-PROTECTION
- Let them experience discomfort: Overprotecting children can prevent them from learning how to cope with challenges. Allow your child to experience frustration, disappointment, and failure, as these are natural parts of life and can foster growth and resilience. This is a huge concern that I personally have with children these days. Parents are doing their child's homework, influencing coaches for playing time, even calling and making their adult therapy appointments. No...just no. A simple rule, when we DO for others what they can DO for themselves, we are robbing them of the opportunity to gain confidence, skill and mastery. Let your kids take the extra 5 min to tie their own shoes and let them be in a class without their usual crew and learn how to make new friends. If they don't learn these skills as a child it will impact their adult "launch".
- Encourage self-reliance: Help them take on age-appropriate responsibilities, whether it's managing their own schoolwork, doing chores, or solving problems independently. The more they do on their own, the more resilient they will become.
Resilience is a skill that can be nurtured over time with patience, guidance, and support. The goal is to equip children with the emotional tools, mindset, and coping strategies they need to face life's inevitable challenges.
When children grow up with confidence they can navigate difficulties. Nagivating through life's challenges allows them to develop the inner strength to thrive, regardless of what life throws their way!