It's not that our friends and family (and circle at large) don't mean well. They often do. People rally around the wounded and seek to provide comfort to those that are hurting. Maybe in the first few weeks it's actually helpful. People show up to help out with child pickups and drop offs. There are flowers delivered and 'thinking of you' cards held to the fridge with magnets. Casseroles and wine, and long conversations.."when did you know?", "how did it happen", "do the kids know?"
From the moment divorce is mentioned, to the beginning stages of separation, it can feel like a constant state of crisis. Change coming from every direction and feelings scattered. For some, those first few days are a relief. The conclusion that was a long time coming. For others, it's the beginning of the grief process and alternating between bargaining, anger, denial and depression. No two people are alike, and no divorce is experienced in the same way. A separating partnership can have two very different reactions.
I have been divorced. I have walked the walk. I have felt relief, and I have felt devastation. Grief is a process and it isn't linear. Life propels us forward (especially if we have children or a busy career, or both). Life is cruel and kind in its ability to keep us moving, even if we want to stand still.
There are many divorce resources out there and I am here to tell you that not all resources are helpful. In fact, some can prove to be very harmful in the long run. Below is a list of commonly used resources. No resource alone is good or bad, but it is what we do with it that matters.
Angry Villagers
Angry villagers is a term that I use to describe friends, family, or others who have had a particularly visceral reaction (that is to say a deep inward feeling) regarding your divorce. You will often find angry villagers disguised as fellow divorcees who have been down your road and they know the best stuff: the most vicious lawyers, the family court system in and out, and how to make him/her pay. They have lots of advice to offer, and do so without your asking. These villagers are a group of avid readers and recommend books that you will relate to (See Angry books) and they have a diagnosing vocabulary (See Narcissism and other neighborhood diagnosis). Do they mean well, maybe? Are they going to be there for you if you find acceptance sooner than they did (if they ever did)...maybe not. It's a thing, misery loving company and divorce is a crowded party that does not require an invitation. Are all previously divorced people Angry villagers? No. Of course not. There are also Happy villagers (keep reading...)
Family can also be cloaked as an angry villager. Boasting comments that strive to validate: "I never liked/trusted them". These angry villagers sometimes feel justified in their duty to pick sides. They often show disdain or disregard for the non family member (and this attitude can bleed into the non family member's new relationships as well). These behaviours often develop from a place of protection but my counselling experience would tell me that a lot of family members take a divorce personally and feel their own sense of loss. In this way, their unhelpful and possibly rude behaviour is their presentation of grief. Still ugly. Still hurts.
What do you do with angry villagers? Boundaries. Limit the information shared and limit your time spent. These are not the right resource to talk too. They will not be helpful for your longterm growth and recovery, as they are usually hurting themselves. It's not hard to find people to agree with you, it is hard to find people to grow with you. Focus on that. Hurt people, hurt people and you don't need any more hurt.
Angry Books
Books are awesome. I love self help books. Books are one of my top resources that I use in counselling. I do have a rule though, I won't recommend a book unless I've read it and approve it. Why? Because there are a lot of books out there that while you may feel validated, it doesn't always make things better. Let's do an experiment. Maybe your ex was a "jerk", maybe she was "toxic". Google using those terms. You will not find a shortage of how-to manuals for co-parenting with these people. Even worse, if you try to diagnose you ex (see next section) you will find even more.
But here is the thing. Every divorce is unique. Every story is personal. Anthropologists would seek to study divorce through the lens of culture, and sociologists with the lens of societal normals and changing roles. That's the thing...divorce doesn't happen in a vacuum. It is very rare to fine a relationship breakdown where there isn't some form of cause and effect from both parties. What does that mean? Doing the work on owning your part in the relationship and the breakdown means giving yourself the gift of self-awareness which can in turn prevent us from making the same decisions in the next relationship.
Yes, some people aren't kind and don't play within our same rules.. And yes, when betrayal or a breach of trust enters a relationship it is tempting to want to blame the guilty. But blame only seeks to create a victim mentality, which creates an unwillingness to take ownership of your own wants and needs and can leave you feeling resentful and powerless. Who wants a lifetime of feeling like that? Angry books aren’t helpful, books that focus on self growth...helpful! Working on you is working on the 100% of the situation that you can control. And speaking of control...
Narcissism and other neighborhood diagnosis
Diagnosis means something different to everyone. For some, a diagnosis is a feeling of being pigeon holed: an identifying marker. To others diagnosis may feel like a relief: a reason for why people acted a certain way. It is VERY rare that a divorcing client walks through my counselling door without claiming a diagnosis...of someone else.
I hear the word Narcissist thrown around a lot. I could write an entire blog on why we need to stop popularizing that term (and maybe I will...stayed tuned!). Here is the thing. We all have narcissistic tendencies and behaviours. In fact, narcissism is a healthy developmental process in childhood and normal narcissism exists in all of us. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare. Some people are more selfish than others. Some people are arrogant, manipulative and have an excessive need for admiration. Their behaviour may be demanding and/or patronizing. I'm trying to think of an example of someone who hasn't displayed one or some of these traits at one point in time or more frequently during a chapter in their life...
Narcissistic behaviour in itself isn't bad. It is the abuse or mistreatment that is damaging. Once the relationship has ended, as opposed to self-diagnosing your ex-partner, it would be more prudent to explore that experience: "what drew me to that relationship?", "What did I get out of the relationship?, "Why did I stay?", "How did I find the courage to leave?". Try to refrain from blame or shame during this process. Instead explore these types of questions with curiosity.
HERE IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR IN REGARDS TO DIVORCE RESOURCES
Self Help books: seek to clean your side of the street. Look for books that don't blame or shame your previously significant other, but instead empower yourself to grow. Look for books on getting to know yourself, grief, vulnerability, trust and rebuilding trust. I often recommend Attached, Rebuilding, and most anything by the authentic and talented Brene Brown.
Divorce lawyer: find one who will advocate for your rights, but shares your morals, values and interests. These types of lawyers will not only play fair, but in doing so you will have possibly salvaged the chance of having a healthy co-parenting relationship in the future. Aggressive and bullying lawyer + lying affidavits = co-parenting relationship without trust
Counselling: seek to find a counsellor that practices in the area of divorce rebuilding. Find someone that is willing to listen to your specific story and is ready to meet you where you are at. A good counsellor will be patient and help you work through your specific challenges. There is no judgement when you walk into that room and it is the perfect place to say "he/she hurt me, but I still love them", or "I'm having trouble moving on" and even "I'm so hurt that I'm not being kind to myself or others".
Happy Villagers: when we seek to find a new career, one of the most prudent things we can do is speak to people in that field. So it makes sense to hunt out those divorced people who have the type of co-parenting relationship or life after divorce YOU would like to have. Seek out people who are healed and who have a focus on healing. Seek out a fellowship with people who seek to elevate and grow, as opposed to those who live in resentment and anger. You will never regret forming new friendships with people who have empathy and grace for your situation.
