Within my client base, the number 1 reason for a breakdown in a relationship begins (or ends) with a lack in connection. Today I am going to speak specifically about how to reconnect within your partner.
How do we find deep and meaningful connection when life is busy?
One of the first steps to finding connection within your romantic life is taking time to intentionally seek connection. We often do this at the beginning of the relationship. We make time for the other person, both emotionally and physically. When my husband and I first started seeing each other, we went on a dates 3 times a week. We sat in restaurants for hours and soaked in each other’s presence until restaurants closed. We sent each other loving text messages throughout the day. We made plans to be alone together. We dated each other intensely, and it was wonderful! Then life happened...
Why does our dating life stop?
There are several reasons for dating to stop. Maybe life got busy? Maybe we found comfort? In our house we have a 6 year old requesting (sometimes demanding) our attention. His activities are time consuming. We have also both made changes in our careers and work is taking up more time than it used too. On top of all these reasons, stress from everyday life and change was exhausting.
Why is dating your spouse important?
Now I am very lucky. I have a persistent partner who refuses to back town on his promise to keep our dating life a priority. In past relationships we both admitted to not prioritizing connection and ultimately those relationships didn't last . Couple's therapists will tell you that relationships are a garden that need tending. Time together is a way to invest in one another and to water the seeds of the relationship and friendship.
How do we start to date…again?
Start small. In my relationship we both knew that 3 date nights a week wasn’t practical forever and so we made a deal. We committed to going on a date once a week. It is amazing how committing to each other in this way helped to strengthen our bond. We hold each other accountable to this promise and it has been the greatest gift we have given our relationship. Communication is a huge part of ensuring that date nights remain true to their purpose: connection. Overtime we have defined what quality time and connection means for each of us. To protect this time, through trial and error, we made a few rules. I know that rules are not sexy and they may seem silly but we found that we these rules were necessary to protect our dating life.
OUR RULES FOR DATE NIGHT
1. Date nights are non-negotiable and there are no excuses
What this means for us is that date night comes before anything else. It happens on the same day every week. We have rarely moved it but it has happened to accommodate holidays or special events. Moving the date has to be agreed to by both of us and it must be rescheduled and kept that week. So even if I'm tired, or our child is begging for attention, we still go.
2. Date nights are spent alone, together
My partner and I are very social people and at first we interpreted date nights as time spent together. So we could combine date night with double dates. What we found is that in a group setting, we didn’t experience the type of connection that we were looking for. So now, date night is just the two of us.
3. Topics that are off limits
There are a few topics that we agreed to not speak about on date nights. These topics included scheduling, finances, work and other stressful items. We made this rule almost immediately when we started dating. When we allowed the conversation to turn to these topics we ended up feeling emotionally exhausted. It took away from the purpose of our time together.
4. No Phones
Both my partner and I are guilty of multitasking. Simply allowing phones on our dates turned into a quick phone call, returned texts and the occasional work email. It was important that for each of us to feel heard and prioritized, we both committed to being present and not using our phones on dates.
5. Meaningful activities
I personally don’t count a trip to the movies as connection. I prefer engagement with my partner. That isn’t to say that a movie can’t be combined with another activity (such as a walk or dinner). Find activities to do together that make you feel connected.
Where there is a will….
Creating a healthy dating life requires commitment, flexibility and creativity. Contrary to what some believe, dating your spouse does not have to be complicated or expensive. Sometimes our dates include a weekend getaway and sometimes it’s an afternoon walk together. For us, it’s important that we set intentions around our time together. Depending on how big or busy your household is, dating your spouse can require some real commitment and serious backbone. If we decided not to go on our date night every time our child wanted our attention, we would end up being strangers by the time he turned 18. It took communication and some adjustment but our child now looks forward to us going on our date nights. He gets to play with a babysitter whose job it is to fill him with attention and we come home with a deeper connection which helps to keep the house full of love.
Tips to help form healthy dating habits:
Formally schedule your date nights into your calendar
Keep the same date of the week
Plan in advance
Alternate choosing what to do
Communicate your plans with the kids (i.e. “Wednesday nights are date night for mom and dad”
Change it up if it is starting to feel stale. Look for unique opportunities within your area. We use YEG.date (Edmonton) to stay informed on new events.
Use saving apps such as Groupon for reduced admissions.
Communicate with each other about what you need out of your date night (use the love languages to guide your needs).
Be creative when making plans
THE BIGGEST TIP FOR THOSE WITH KIDS:
Make parent connection time a priority. Babysitters will cancel and kids will have a bad day. These things are inevitable. A strong marriage is the healthiest thing you can give your children. Kids thrive in a loving atmosphere and making your marriage a priority is a first step to creating long term love within the home. If your child struggles to adjust to "mom and dad's date night" try creating a family night as well. This made our child feel like there was a special place for him in our schedule.
What about you?
Is the connection you have with your partner something you would like to improve? If so, I encourage you to start dating your spouse. Start by set aside little pieces of time together with the intention to connect. It’s ok to start out small! One of my favorite date nights is pouring a glass of wine and sitting on the deck talking. Simply taking time out together to be present for each other is all you need! If the kids are asleep, instead of turning on Netflix maybe set aside a half hour for your relationship and shuffle through some connection cards (see resources below).
This feels awkward...help!
If it’s been a while since you and your partner connected, it may feel awkward, AND THAT’S OK! Intimacy and connection are a skill. It takes time. For help starting a conversation, try using an app that has conversation prompts. It is important to note that if you decide to use an app, find one that is a good fit for both you and your partner. If your partner isn’t into technology, there are other resources available as well (Youtube, books, workshops). John Gottman is a leading specialist in couples therapy and he has many resources specifically related to connection.
Recommendations:
For people who love technology, try: Gottman Card Decks
For those of you that prefer a book, read: Eight dates by John Gottman
